Ranking all of Mary-Kate & Ashley's Parties

It's about time: At long last, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are coming back to television, and I'm not talking about the Full House reboot. No, Nickelodeon's bringing on the Olsen Twins' solo (double?) work, including their geography-centric movies, their mysteries, and, best of all, their straight-to-video parties. Oh, you DIDN'T watch those when you were little? Wow, sorry your childhood was awful.

In case you're not privy to it, the "You're Invited!" series marked Mary-Kate and Ashley's golden years as respected actresses — and if you were a child of the '90s, chances are you have a few of these videos hidden around somewhere. Sure: they were, in retrospect, mostly just sponsored pieces about how great it is to ski in a Colorado resort, or visit the Mall of America. The singing was bad, the songs were worse, and the child-acting was next-level terrible. But all things considered, I have to admit, watching them all over feels like home. And you know what's weird? Within these videos, all boasting varying levels of awful, there IS a hierarchy. So I revisited them all to once and for all determine which party was the best.

So you're invited to revisit the worst and less-worse of Mary-Kate and Ashley's parties! If it's up to me, you'll RSVP.

8. Mary-Kate and Ashley's Costume Party

This lost-in-the-crowd installment is really a low point for Mary-Kate and Ashley's party history, from the egregious plot inconsistencies to the lackluster songs. It starts out strongly strange, with the Olsen twins digging through a closet to find vintage clothes for children, but it makes none percent sense. If these are their mom's old clothing, then did their mom not age for three decades?

And as for the party itself, that title is flat-out deceitful. The twins end up throwing a "Come As You Are" party, and because children have exceeding boring lives, they show up in extra-regular clothes. I was promised costumes, and all I got mediocre ditties about ice cream parlors. Two thumbs down.

Choice Lines:

It’s okay to be different, you know. Look at our friends. Mark’s into retro these days, and Matt? Well, he’s sort of a preppy.

You're nine. Nobody's into ANYTHING yet. Settle down.

Thanks Mia. As usual, yours and Zack’s outfits are the bomb.

Mia's wearing a literal soccer outfit, don't patronize, Mary-Kate.

7. Mary-Kate and Ashley's Birthday Party

Like most birthday parties that aren't your own, it sucks for the most part, save for the bit about the bouncy castle. Mary-Kate and Ashley can't decide if they want to throw a pool party or a piñata party, so they temporarily decide on doing both. Thing is, I have NO idea what "a piñata party is supposed to be" — wouldn't this just equate to a pool party with a piñata? But no, they do a whole song about how this is a thing, complete with racist costumes.

Ultimately they decide to forgo all this nonsense because they forgot until the last 3 minutes that Six Flags was sponsoring the video.

Choice Lines:

“After this we’re going right to Six Flags, so let’s eat fast.” “I have a better idea: let’s eat on the way.”

Yeah, Ashley, having a bunch of children guzzle cake before they go on roller coasters sounds like a crackerjack idea.

6. Mary-Kate and Ashley's Sleepover Party

Also plays out like a real sleepover, in that it gets boring quickly and feels like it drags on forever. Nothing sensational really happens, aside from them ruining a perfectly decent pizza pie.

Choice Lines:

“I can see Cara brought her hats!” “I got enough for everybody!”

Cut to this kid wearing 11 hats on her head. Really knows how to bring the fun in.

“Brighton, did you bring your picture of Sam?” “I miss him already!”

Cut to this child holding a framed picture of her freaking dog. Oh my god, Brighton, get it it together.

5. Mary-Kate and Ashley's Christmas Party

Did we really need an Olsen Twin remix of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas?"

Choice Lines:

Chill everybody! The moment will still be here in a moment!

What the what?

It’s still Christmas and what are friends for anyway?

This line is so phoned in it's almost hysterical.

“What about a plate of cookies for my brother and Chip?” “We ate them all.” “That’s too bad, maybe next year.”

Ah, spite, the gift that keeps on giving.

4. Mary-Kate and Ashley's Fashion Party

Not really a party so much as it's a 30-minute long ad for the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. Not super interesting, but I guess it deserves credit for being the first attempt at weaving an actual story line into the mix versus Mary-Kate and Ashley just inviting random friends to their house to sing theme-specific songs?" So although it's not really MY Mary-Kate and Ashley, 'E' for effort.

Choice Lines:

What closet did THAT coat jump out of, Madison?

Uh, what closet are YOU stuck in, Ryan?

3. Mary-Kate and Ashley's Mall Party

This one's pretty fun, because there was NOTHING more exciting than the mall when you were a preteen. And when it's the Mall of America? You just bumped things up to the next level. Add in the Cool Teenager we all aspire to be, and this just sounds like heaven.

Choice Lines:

I’m going on a shopping trip to the Mall of America in Minneapolis and your mom said you can go with me.

Yeah, I'm a 16-year-old who needs to travel several states to buy clothes, and my aunt trusts me to just take my cousins and their two friends with me. Logical. Logical in every way.

“Let’s go to the toy stores.” “Aren’t we a little OLD for that?”

Stoooooop.

2. Mary-Kate and Ashley's School Dance Party

There's solid, legitimate plot here. I'm guessing what ultimately happened with this and the Fashion Party is that the twins had videos left on their contract, but a slightly older demographic, so they actually tried to put a story together — or, at least, that's how it seems. Ashley has a boyfriend, there's a baddie with braces trying to ruin the dance, and boys are just SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND.

Choice Lines:

So I’m telling you, this is a real dilemma, he acts nice to me, and we’re friendly and stuff, but the dance is just five days away and he hasn’t asked me yet.

Nice AND friendly and stuff? How are you two not engaged yet?

The King and Queen of Cyberspace. The royalty of the Internet. The Dynamic Duo of the Digital Domain, the Head Honchos of the super highway.

I get it, it’s 2000.

1. Mary-Kate and Ashlet's Hawaiian Beach Party

Undoubtedly the most unrealistic of the videos, but maybe that's why it's so terribly great. These bad bitches are so swamped with extracurriculars that they just decide to TAKE A SUBMARINE to Hawaii for the day. What wonderful negligent parents do they have? The songs are tight, they have personalized surf boards, and they ride hovercrafts with grown men. It's like an M.I.A. music video, except not.

Choice Lines:

We still have piano lessons, dance lessons, and karate class. Then we have soccer practice, basket ball practice and ping pong practice.

How can we EVER forget ping pong practice?

That water sure is WET!

Plot twist.

Let’s just quit being kids, it’s just too tough a job.

...they said, before counting the millions of dollars made before they were out of diapers.

Image: Dualstar