What Your Job Says About Your Sex Life

Samantha Jones once said, "Who we are in bed is who we are in life." To which I call BS, because we all know that the people being ridden around like miniature horses in sex dungeons are totally execs, and those stations in life are very different. But we do choose the work we do — and you've probably seen on multiple occasions how your job affects your sex life. Sexuality is pretty integral to our personalities. In fact, in the case of sexual orientation, a connection's already been proven: a new study has been able to pinpoint which industries LGBT people tend to "cluster" in for work. Researchers believe this is because people who have to hide their orientation build similar skill sets (like self-awareness). But what about the reverse: are certain jobs, management levels, and earning demographics associated with different relationship styles and sexual preferences?

The short answer is DUH. I mean, sex dungeons.

The long answer is also duh, but a more tentative one: "associated" is a word that speaks to correlation without addressing cause and effect, and correlation is the easy part. We can learn that (spoiler alert!) a lot of doctors are interested in platonic friendships on dating apps, but that statistic doesn't tell us if it's because A. doctors are just too busy too date, B. asexuals tend to be interested in medicine, or C. doctors are already beating women away with sticks, which would be my personal hypothesis.

Causation aside, it's interesting to look at the patterns, especially in terms of your own dating history. Seeing it in numbers that your cheating banker ex-boyfriends are actually a cliche can inspire you to re-tool your type. Or de-tool it.

Bonus: it's deeply satisfying to know that rich people are probably not having more sex than you. Take THAT, 1%!

Here's what research has said on our streets vs. sheets personas, from boardroom to bedroom:

1. If you work as a consultant or a lawyer, you're more likely to bone in the office.

Maybe it's the long hours, maybe it's all the job-related stress to relieve, but the bottom line: consultants and lawyers are getting it in. You should probably consider a career change if you're into copier sex!

2. If you have a "power" job, you're more likely to cheat.

Man or woman, it makes no difference: if your job is high on the corporate food chain (think CEO or top management), all that job-related moxy can go to your head...s. An internet study found that there's a "strong association between power and confidence, and the amount of confidence a person has is the strongest link between power and unfaithfulness."

But wait: that confidence may have a few benefits. Wives of supervisors and managers reported that their husbands are "excellent" in bed, with very good to "best of the best" at oral in a study by Redbook. And if you marry a guy who owns a company? Hold onto your motherfucking hat because these guys like whips and chains. Which means... Christan Grey is real? So much to process here.

3. Big earner? You've probably had sex on an airplane.

Or in a park. Or on a lark. On a chair, in a lair! The point is, 83% of big money makers have had "adventurous" sex, including of the outdoor and/or mile-high-club-card earning variety. That's compared to a paltry 66% of low earners, according to the same UK survey. Peasants.

4. Doctor or lawyer? You're looking for "friends" on dating sites ...

A dating app survey has decided that these professionals are the most likely to be those weirdos with the "just friends" box ticked under "looking for." (May we suggest that they just skip the sex life thing altogether? Because that's super annoying).

But speaking of friendly, things are little different with these workers if you snag one: Redbook found that married doctor men (and other heathcare workers) tend to be cuddlers, while married lawyer men are among a group of professionals that want to have sex every day. No word on whether it's at the office or not.

5. Actor or engineer? You just want to get down.

Hello, hookups — these occupations go straight to the business. Guess all those headshot photoshoots and/or recruiting calls from Facebook have them feeling too in-demand to tie down.

That may be for the best though: wives of software engineers (if they're to be counted among computer technicians) reported that their husbands were the least likely to give oral, while wives of straight-up engineers complained of foreplay that lasts "an eternity." Yikes.

6. Are you a journalist, Police Officer, Teacher, PR rep, scientist, advertiser, construction worker, or musician? Tinder hookups are your jam.

These busy professions are most likely to be seeking something casual, which still doesn't explain why all my unemployed dates say the same thing. Ah, Tinder.

The good news: police officers' wives reported that they git 'er done, so to speak, always leaving them fully satisfied in a bedroom kinda way. Artistic types like musicians were also voted best lovers by their wives hands down (as if that's a surprise to anyone), and reportedly always do foreplay.

Teachers and construction workers, on the other hand, tend to be less than attentive to their wives' wishes: teachers were mostly likely to "not take no for an answer" (which sounds kind of rapey, Redbook!) while the wives of construction workers complained that they weren't "tender" enough. Again, not super surprising.

7. Pharmacist, designer, accountant, psychologist, programmer, or nurse? LTRs for life.

Are you in one of these bizarrely diverse professions? You're probably going to want to get on eHarmony, because Clover's survey says you're an LTR person. Shh, don't fight it.

8. Make more than $80,000 a year? You're not getting much action.

Sorry, you're probably doing the nasty once a week or less. But when you do, you're relaxed about it: 4/5ths of high earners prefer to be on bottom. That's luxury, dog.

10. Make less than $22,000? You're getting it on.

Congratulations, you're statistically boning all the way to bank — only 17% of this demographic is having sex less than once a week. But they're earning it: 2/3rds are putting in work on top.

11. Hetero ladies, do you make more than your dude? Ugh.

According to an ASA study, the stereotype of the two-timing and leech boyfriend is real. (You know — that guy the heroine dates before the good guy comes on the scene in romantic comedies). Basically, that live-in boyfriend who doesn't pay rent is statistically more likely to be a cheat, too.

12. Men, make more money than your GF? Duh.

Praise patriarchy! Your lady's statistically more likely to be faithful to you and your money. Mazel!

Images: Ben Raynal/Flickr; Giphy