I've been very open about my theories that cats are going to take over the world. And not in like a cute, cuddly, meow-riffic way, but in like a total destruction and anarchy kind of way that will make us all regret the day humans first popped out opposable thumbs. I have no doubt that the charge will be led by Grumpy Cat and Pompous Albert, and that the first wave of destruction will involve them stealing our pizza. The second wave, I've determined now, will involve these ridiculously fat cats that really have no business pretending to be cats.
Before you get all up in my grill about body-shaming cats, let me assure you, I'm way past that kind of shenanigan. Cats can eat whatever the hell they want, because I sure as hell do. I don't have a problem with fat cats—I just have a problem with the cats who are clearly warming up for the eventual takeover when they eat us, our dogs, and everything we hold dear. (No, YOU have a paranoid overactive imagination.)
Look, think whatever you want about me. All that I know is that I'm going to be hella more prepared for the inevitable kitty destruction of the earth than cat-people who still believe in inherent cat goodness. For those of you who are on #TeamDog with me—nay, #TeamSurvival—these are a few of the overly large, dastardly villains you need to watch out for:
1. This fat cat, watching over us all
2. This cat who may or may not have eaten a skinny child
3. This litter-box literate LION
4. This coffee table/cat hybrid
5. This orange Goliath baby
6. And his (even more) evil twin
7. NO. NO NO NO NO. Just NO.
8. This gallumph only pretending to be weakened before he strikes
10. This fluffy monster who knows where you live
11. This threat that has barely been neutralized with denim
12. This aggressive fur ball
13. This savage whose eyes reflect your very death
14. This sneaky creature trying to blend into its surroundings
15. This actual legitimate pony
16. This dude that will no doubt haunt your nightmares forever
Images: Getty Images; Imgur(8)
