Life
I Talked To People On Tinder Using Hillary Clinton Quotes, And This Is What Happened
So, it's happening: Hillary Clinton is running for president, and regardless of whether she gets the Democratic nomination, and regardless of whether or not she wins the presidency, I think we can certainly count on her kicking ass at the process of running a campaign. Let’s be real: Hillary Clinton would be pretty boss at just about anything she tried. And if Hillary Clinton had Tinder, she’d be a boss at it. I feel like existing on Tinder takes just the right amount of discerning smarts and grit to survive the “what in the actual what is happening here” nature of the app, and she’s got smarts and grit in spades. Alas, even if Hillary weren’t married to Bill, and were so inclined to date, she likely wouldn’t even have a free second to download this app, let alone begin the tedious process of wading through the sea of (alleged) humans on it. Boss ladies got stuff to do. Thankfully, we’ve got her back—which is why I just spent the weekend responding to people on Tinder using Hillary Clinton quotes.
I need you guys to know that I committed to this wholly and entirely. Every quote that you will see in this Tinder extravaganza was mined from a Hillary speech or interview, and every year of her life was fair game. Also, just to clarify where this went down, I went out of town this weekend, so half of these fine single specimens are from New York City and the other half are from DC. (You can probably guess which group caught onto my little game faster.)
If there are two things I have learned from this experiment, they are this:
- We should all just stop being ourselves on Tinder and be Hillary Clinton instead. It made me feel more badass than my regular Tindering self will ever be, and I will be using this new confidence to own every other facet of my life immediately.
- TINDER LOVES HILLARY, because duh. Now that she's officially running for president, she can rest assured that she has the vote of every dude-bro who tried to hit on me up and down the East coast last night (and, of course, my vote too).
First, An Introduction
Hey, y’all. This is my actual face. Those of you who have seen my other Tinder adventures might recognize this aggressive cupcake-wielding person as the girl who replied on Tinder using only Drake lyrics from the Drizzy app. Well guess what, unsuspecting humans just trying get laid who don’t want to put up with my nonsense? I’m BACK. And updated my profile picture with a snazzy Hillary quote to set the mood.
Number One: The Sex Bot
First off, what kind of opening line is my name and a period? (Also, who is Emma? I AM HILLARY.)
Number One: The Sex Bot
It never ceases to amuse me how quickly Tinder conversations take a sharp left turn into WTF land.
Number One: The Sex Bot
GOLD STAR, you finally got it, you confused and slightly horny human, you.
Number Two: The Hill Dawg
I’d like to think this guy was having a really boring day at work and that Hillary saved him from his humdrum life.
Number Two: The Hill Dawg
AS YOU CAN SEE, America has an insatiable need for “moar” Hillary. This screenshot should be her campaign platform.
Number Two: The Hill Dawg
I’d like to fist bump this human. Fighting the good fight.
Number Three: The Wise One
THIS INTERACTION IS BAE. I didn’t even have to do anything with this guy, who was clearly already wise to my ways based on the quote in my profile before my fingers even hit the keyboard. (Still, can’t blame a girl for trying.)
Number Four: The Tap That
Hands-down, slimy guys on Tinder are my FAVORITE to play these games with, just second to the really hip ones. It’s like all the residual guilt I feel for screwing with people just blows away like Elsa’s cape in “Let It Go”.
Number Four: The Tap That
PLOT TWIST: This was working far too well. Tinder is evolving.
Number Four: The Tap That
Ooooh, swing and a miss. I feel a mixture of pride and shame for him. On one hand, YAY, you did it! On the other hand, “me and her”? (I know grammar snobs are the worst kind of people, but I am a worst kind of person, so there’s that.)
Number Five: The Wise One
DING DING DING, we have a winner.
Number Six: ~Not Feeling It~
This conversation was over before it began. I did add another quote on how “Every moment wasted look back keeps us from moving forward…” etc, but he was already #done.
Number Seven: The Philospher
A bit of background: This guy was a lawyer, and wanted us all to know it in his profile (which also said that life was too short for bad sex). But yes, I am adorable, duh.
Number Seven: The Philospher
Oh, buddy. Oh, sweet precious honeybun rosebud flower child. The whole thing was Hillary.
Number Eight: Jesus
A Tinder match made in Heaven.
Number Eight: Jesus
He hasn’t yet gotten back to me, but I have faith in Him.
Number Nine: Played At My Own Damn Game
OK, SHUT EVERYTHING DOWN. Here I am, Tindering my own business, when all of a sudden something…seems…off. I am stricken by a sudden sense of deja vu. And then I realized…
Number Nine: Played At My Own Damn Game
THIS DUDE BRO WAS LITERALLY PLAYING BUSTLE’S GAME. As I mentioned earlier, we pioneered using Drizzy-generated Drake lyrics on Tinder, and here was “Hill Dawg’s” one-time door holder bringing it around full circle. YES, I lost my chill, but WHO WOULDN’T?! The internet is a small, beautiful, and terrifying place.
