C. Farrell's 'Stache Wins 'True Detective' Trailer

When HBO slowly but surely revealed the starting lineup for the second season of True Detective last fall, the premium cable network omitted someone major from all of the announcements. A true star-in-the-making. And that star-in-the-making is Colin Farrell’s mustache. When Farrell's upper lip plumage made its first appearance in the first trailer for True Detective Season 2, I felt the same way I did when a certain movie star made his uncredited cameo in Interstellar; not only was I blindsided by the reveal, but I wondered how it hadn't been spoiled for me already. The spectacular 'stache surprise left me dumbfounded.

Farrell’s ‘stache is a 'stache to aspire to. A force to be reckoned with. There are so many terrific 'stache moments in the TD trailer. But which 'stache moment is the best 'stache moment?

I could not leave that question unanswered. No way. So, I ranked all of the 'staches appearances. Rather than assign ranks based on my subjective opinion, I used an extremely advanced and extremely objective point system:

Mustache looks majestic = +1 pointMustache proves it can hold its own against Farrell’s gorgeous locks = +2 pointsMustache looks like it's about to enforce the law = +2 pointsMustache is not putting up with any of anyone’s B.S. right now = +3 pointsMustache is paired with a weapon = +3 pointsMustache is paired with a bolo tie = +4 pointsMustache looks like a third eyebrow (given how perfect Farrell's eyebrows are, that's very high praise) = +7 pointsMustache is moving = +8 points

This is 'Stache-cosa. Here are the competitors (in order of appearance):

MUSTACHE MOMENT #1

The ‘stache’s debut. Wow. So majestic (+1). It looks like it has a police badge of its very own (+2). And it looks like it doesn’t have time for anyone’s crap (+3). AND! It looks like a third eyebrow (+7). Both the 'stache and the '90s heartthrob hair are doing great work (+2).

TOTAL: 15

MUSTACHE MOMENT #2

Against that flickering flame of a lighter (+3), the majestic 'stache looks positively regal (+1). I'm catching serious third eyebrow vibes (+7). The hint of bolo tie sure doesn’t hurt (+4)!

TOTAL: 15

MUSTACHE MOMENT #3

Uh oh. The majestic ‘stache (+1) looks none too pleased (+3). Once again, there's a sliver of bolo tie (+4). Is the mustache a third eyebrow? (+7) Or are the eyebrows two mustaches?

TOTAL: 15

MUSTACHE MOMENT #4

Farrell and the majestic ‘stache (+1) are about to bring down the hammer (+2). The 'stache has had it up to here with everyone (+3). Well, excluding Farrell's hair. Farrell's hairdo and the 'stache are getting along like gangbusters (+2).

TOTAL: 8

MUSTACHE MOMENT #5

Majestic (+1). Ready to throw the book (+2). Not feeling the small talk (+3). Bolo tie (+4). Eyebrow number three (+7). Hair and 'stache working together in perfect harmony (+2).

TOTAL: 19

MUSTACHE MOMENT #6

If you don’t stop looking at the majestic ‘stache (+1), you’ll miss the bolo tie (+4) and the brass knuckles (+3).

...BRASS KNUCKLES?!?! Oh, boy. The 'stache is not messing around (+3).

TOTAL: 11

MUSTACHE MOMENT #7

Flawless hair and flawless 'stache (+2). That facial hair looks mighty peeved (+3). Thanks to whatever it is Farrell is chewing, the majestic ‘stache (+1) is a-movin’ and a-shakin’ (+8). And don't worry, I see that bolo tie (+4).

TOTAL: 18

The Results

7th Place: Mustache Moment #46th Place: Mustache Moment #65th Place: Well, I'll be...4th Place: ...There was a tie for 3rd Place!3rd Place: Mustache Moments #1, #2, #3First Runner-Up: Mustache #7The ‘Stache-cosa Champion: Mustache Moment #5

Congratulations, Mustache Moment #5. Time is a flat mustache. You are the truest detective.

Images: HBO (7)