I once was bleeding so heavily, I had to change three tampons in an hour. Lucky for me, I happened to be wearing my fave red pants. True story. Since then I’ve often wondered how to get a handle on Aunt Flo's erratic sensibilities and desire to drain my bank account. I started to wonder, should I use a menstrual cup ? Between my contact lenses, makeup, and tampons, I felt like I was spending enough to lift up the GDP of a small nation. Like Burkina Faso. Or Tuvalu. It wasn't fair. Thankfully, I could see the signs. I needed to switch it up.
Enter my friend the menstrual cup. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, “Ew gross! I’m going to have blood splattered all over me like I was just in a zombie apocalypse.” Not so my fellow bleeders! After a few practice tries, I finally got the old gal up on my vagina without a problem. So what I’m saying is menstrual cups are the answer to all of your prayers. OK, maybe not the one to find Prince Charming but all the other ones.
Still unconvinced? That’s because you haven’t seen the light. If you exhibit any of the signs below, it may be time you make the old switcheroo to menstrual cups.
The DivaCup Menstrual Cup, $27.99, Amazon.com
1. You Bleed Like A MOFO
If you flow harder than the Amazon, you know what I'm talking about. A virtual blood bath in your panties is as enticing as the homeless man I saw pooping on the subway platform. An unlike a messy floor, a messy panty is not as easy to clean up. Especially when it leaks at night and gets all over your sheets. Ruminate on this: a tampon holds 6-9 grams of blood while a cup holds 28 grams. That's a whole damn ounce!
2. You're A Horny Toad
Don't know about you, but I like to do it whenever there's a penis next to me. Sometimes I listen to 2 Live Crew's "Me So Horny" and think "wow, they know me so well." The problem is periods often get in the way, staining your sheets and limiting you to certain positions. Not so with certain brands of menstrual cups. You can do it to your heart's content. Woo hoo!
3. Your Tampon Is Always Falling Out
We have all been there. You’re mid-pee and all of a sudden you hear a “PLOP!” and your not-fully-used tampon is in the toilet floating around like a little life raft. Even if you practice your kegels, your cotton plug is going to fall out at some point because well, you’re a human female. A menstrual cup will prevent any unnecessary tampon wastage.
4. You’re Frugal
If you like your 401(K) more than shopping at Barney’s, you’re in a luck. Because a menstrual cup is reusable! Wash that puppy out and you’re good to go for the next month. Think of all the $$$$ you’ll save. Vaginas are expensive after all. On average, a lady will spend anywhere from $60-$70 a year! A cup is a mere $30 and needs to be replaced approximately once a year. You do the math. Or use a calculator.
5. You Suffer From Dry Vagina
Nothing is worse than a little chafe-chafe. It’s like having dry toast for a vagina. And as we all know even though blood is spewing out of you, once a tampon is inserted it's possible to get dry vag if you’re not spewing enough. In other words, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Tampons are made out of cotton. Cups are silicone so you won’t feel like you’re trying to pull a Brillo pad out when you take your menstrual cup out. Adios, tampons!
Images: Wikimedia Commons; Giphy (5)
