Selfie Sticks & These Things Need to be Banned

Music festivals are crowded, over-heated, and expensive. In short, music festivals are actually kind of terrible. Sure, your favorite bands are there. Heck, you might even catch a few stellar comedy shows or meet the love of your life in a neon-fueled DJ tent on a hot summer day. I get it, these things have some appeal. However, there's a lot more that festival promoters and organizers can do to make the experience worthy of its $200 price tag. Thankfully small steps actually are being taken by major festivals like Coachella, Lollapalooza, and Ultra to make everyone's time as safe and enjoyable as possible: they've banned selfie sticks. I wholeheartedly support this decision. Whoever thought large rods holding expensive electronics was a good idea at drug-fueled mud parties anyway?

Not only are selfie sticks dangerous and likely to lead to countless thefts, they get in the way of what paying audiences came to see — live music. It's bad enough the view at almost every concert is now blocked by the glow of someone sending a Snapchat to their friends, but the selfie stick adds an entire new level of rude. Along with the standard banned items such as drugs and alcohol — which never actually seem that banned at any festival ever — Coachella has also banned hula hoops, upsetting hippies around the world who are really mad, but are going to be peaceful about it, man.

Here's a list of everything else I think should be banned at festivals. Because festivals are actually kind of the worst:

Shirtless Dudes

If I can't be topless without fear of being groped, then no one gets to be topless, dangit! Also, I'd rather not have your sweaty nips rubbing against me while I try to find my friends at the Wine Junction and Taco Tent. Capiche?

Babies

Look, babies are great. They are squishy, precious balls of wonder. However, every time I see a baby at a festival I just worry their poor little eardrums are going to explode, they'll overheat, or somehow end up high on shrooms. SAVE THE BABIES!

Fuzzy Boots

I just don't get it and find them to be annoying AF.

Culturally and Racially Insensitive Regalia

NOOOOOOOOPE.

The Full Bodysuits

Let's be real, there's just something pervy about it.

iPads

Taking a photo with your iPad? GTFO.

Cigarettes and Vaping

Trust me, it doesn't look cool and it makes everyone around you just that much more miserable. Leave it at home, it's for the greater good.

Shoulder-Sitters

Oh hell to the no.

Peeing Anywhere that's Not in a Bathroom, Port-A-Potty or Bush

OHHHHH I'M A MAN AND I CAN WHIP OUT MY DONG ANYTIME I WANT AND ANYWHERE I WANT AND HAVE A CASUAL WIZZ! Right? WRONG. I once stood in the middle of a crowd at Outside Lands and had a man pee on the ground directly next to me. This is why I no longer go to festivals.