What if 'Girls' Was More Like 'Degrassi'?

HBO announced that Girls will return Jan. 12, 2014, and we're already curious to see what direction the third season of Lena Dunham's series will take. While the show isn't as "let's talk about ALL of the social issues at once" as teen soap opera Degrassi is, the series has addressed some social issues. The characters have faced post-college ennui, dating in your 20s, obsessive-compulsive disorder, alcoholism, and how to bomb a job interview. We'd love to see Hannah Horvath and her comrades tackle any or all of the following Degrassi-inspired plots. If high schoolers can do it, why not make it relevant for the 20s-30s set (and yes, these are all things that happened on a real television show)? Here's what we want to see on Girls Season 3.

NOT UNDERSTANDING HOW GEOTAGGING WORKS ON TWITTER

Shoshanna becomes addicted to Twitter and gains a loyal following. She posts pictures of her kooky hairdos and new Sex and the City posters. Unfortunately, she doesn't realize that she left her location services on, leaving Ray (who she has dumped) to keep tabs on her rather effortlessly. The big moment is when she lies to him about where she is (she says she's at her apartment when she's actually out on a date with a new guy), and Ray stalkerishly shows up at the restaurant. Shosh freaks out because he's, "like, totally a creeper. But not in an endearing way. In a 'doesn't shower or trim nails anymore' sort of way." She goes home and sets her location services to "off" before anything worse happens, such as a stranger breaking into her home.

JOINING A CULT

Marnie and Charlie break up for the zillionth time, and Marnie's second emotional spiral puts her first breakdown to shame. While crying alone on a bench in Central Park, a stranger approaches her. The stranger invites Marnie to hang out with her and her friends, because she "looks like [she] could use a pal." Marnie decides she needs to do something the old Marnie would never do, so she follows this overly-friendly stranger. Before long, Marnie is living in the basement of an old lightbulb factory with 15 other people. For weeks. Everyone is lovely. Everyone cares about one another. One night, a man enters the basement. The other basement-inhabitants call him, "leader." Marnie snaps out of her bliss-induced trance, because things got too real. She leaves the cult without protest (they're too nice to stop her), and goes back to her apartment. She feels good for the first time in months.

TAKING FAUX ECSTASY

Hannah goes to a party with Jessa and someone offers her ecstasy. Hannah, in her quest to keep "experiencing life," decides to go ahead and take it for the first time. Little does she know, it's a placebo. She behaves like she's on the drug (or so she thinks), but everyone is weirded out. She makes an ass out of herself and ruins the party. Jessa confronts the person who was handing out the E. He reveals that it was actually aspirin because he didn't want anyone taking the real drug. Hannah monologues for the for duration of the subway ride home. Jessa sighs for the duration of the subway ride home.

OVERDOSING ON MILK TO GET OUT OF A COMMITMENT

We find out Marnie is lactose-intolerant. One morning, she is supposed to meet her mother for lunch. She doesn't want to go, so she chugs a carton of milk. She then meets her mom at the cafe, and promptly vomits on a menu. Her mom tells her to go home. Marnie spends the rest of the day throwing up but feeling victorious.

GOING TOPLESS AT A PARTY

After stranding Hannah at her dad's house in season two, Jessa returns and is as free spirited as ever. Shoshanna insists she accompanies her at a college party, and Jessa thinks, "they're 19, what could it hurt?" Jessa drinks one too many glasses of wine and takes her top off (completely unprovoked, nevertheless). Oh wait, Jessa doesn't care. She laughs it off and puts her blouse back on. It isn't an issue after all. Shosh is a tad scandalized, but what else is new?

ROBOT WARS

Hannah gets really into building battle robots. It's the first thing she's ever felt confident about. Adam thinks it's pointless and stupid (which seems out of character, given that he loves building crap). Hannah enters a robot wars competition and Adam shows up, begrudgingly. He is so embarrassed by the robot wars that he leaves without saying anything to Hannah. Hannah shows up at his doorstep that night with her first place trophy. He says, "kid, I like you. I'm sorry I ran out like that. I can like your stupid robots." And then they go to the bone zone.

Photo: Jessica Miglio/HBO