Have you ever heard someone lament about how hard it is to navigate the complicated rules of consent? If so, try Dr. Doe of Sexplanations' explanation of consent on for size. It's quite simple, really; in fact, it's as easy to understand as a cup of tea. And it will definitely arm you with the best response ever to those who think consent is just too complicated to understand.
When it comes to complex topics, using analogies is often a good way to convey the point you are trying to make; they can allow people to understand an issue that is perceived to be one-sided in a whole new way. In fact, research has shown that analogies can increase the effectiveness of messages you are disseminating and can help increase one's attitude about credibility. As such, Dr. Doe uses a very simple analogy to get her point of cross: The aforementioned cup of tea, as inspired by Rockstar Dinosaur Pirate Princess' amazing blog post "Consent: Not Actually That Complicated."
Dr. Doe has made other videos on consent before, and she's a great resource for all the... well, sexplanations you could ever need (hi there, kegels!); this one, however, is much more tongue-in-cheek. In it, she explains common questions and myths about getting consent by using the hypothetical situation of asking someone if they would like a cup of tea. What sorts of scenarios and responses could arise from this simple question? Let's dive into a few of them:
1. "Would you like a cup of tea?" "Hmm...I'm not sure..."
If someone hesitates when they're asked if they want tea, you can still make them the tea — but you have to be aware that they may not want to drink it. If they end up not wanting the tea, Dr. Doe emphasizes that you can't make them drink it! "You can't blame them for you going to the effort of making the tea on the off chance they wanted it; you just have to deal with them not drinking the tea," she says. See how easily this could be applied to sex? IIf you ask someone if they want to get jiggy and they say they're not sure, then just let them alone. Just like you can't make them drink tea they don't know if they want, you can't make them have sex they don't know if they want.
2. "Yes, that's kind of you..." But they change their mind when the tea is made
If you make someone tea and they change your mind after you went to the trouble, yes, it's probably really irritating. But still that doesn't mean they have to drink it! "Sometimes people change their mind in the time it takes to boil that kettle, brew the tea, and add the milk, and it's okay for people to change their mind," she says. Translating this situation to the bedroom, if you're making out, have take your clothes off, and are engaging in foreplay, someone is still aloud to say no to sex, no matter how far you've gone.
3. They wanted the tea and have since become unconscious
If you realize the person you made the tea for has become unconscious, you need to just put down the damn tea. You need to make sure that person is okay and not in danger — and most importantly, don't force them to drink the tea. Obviously the same applies for sex; if someone is passed out from drinking too much, they cannot give you their consent — so no, you cannot have sex with them.
4. They said "yes" to tea last week
If someone accepted your offer for tea last week, that doesn't necessarily mean they'll want tea the next time you see them. You can't ever assume that someone wants tea just because they've had it before, just like you can't assume someone will want to have sex with you just because they've had it before, too.
The point Dr. Doe is making is that when the same situations of consent are applied to tea, these answers seem really obvious — so it should work the same way when it comes to sex. Watch the full video below for even more brilliant tea analogies:
Images: snap713/Flickr; Giphy (4)
