You're Invited To Carrie Bradshaw's 50th Birthday

Just in case you haven't heard, it's Sarah Jessica Parker's 50th birthday, and, with a lack of labels in my life, I can only send a lot of love her way. Though many try to bring her down with equine jokes, I've always found her truly funny, charming and pleasant. But, more than anything, she gets props for bringing one of the most iconic female television characters of all time to life: Carrie Bradshaw. Actually, I have to wonder: what would Carrie be doing to celebrate her 50th birthday?

Love her or loathe her, Carrie is a character worthy of celebration. Her influence on fashion, media, and any woman with a Macbook and bad dating record is boundless. And although I am famously anti-Sex and the City 3, I still get a kick out of conceiving what the fabulous foursome would be up to today, well past the turbulence on their 30s and deeply in the throws of middle age. What better day to flash forward than Carrie's half-a-century milestone?

So pile your sock buns high and put on a flower pin, toss on a babydoll dress and a nameplate necklace. You are cordially invited to the 50th birthday party of Carrie Bradshaw, and it's starting right now.

The Scene

Carrie shows up wearing a custom Valentino robin's egg blue tulle skirt, a cinched floral corset from Dolce & Gabbana, and extra strappy hot pink and cerulean Manolo Blahniks. The shoes nearly put her into bankruptcy, but you gotta have some statement heels. Her c-c-c-curly hair is piled high, and a live flamingo is perched on top of her head. As she walks by, everyone around her thinks, "Yes, there she is, the singular style icon of our generation."

They're holding the event at Manhattan's hottest nightclub slash frozen yogurt bar, Elsa. Anthony planned the entire event with a color palette of dark brown, cream and magenta. Samantha made sure that the party was stocked with the City's glitterati, which mainly consists of 25-year-old model-gorgeous lifestyle bloggers in ironic glasses and their bowtie-wearing boyfriends. Welcome to New York.

Macarons, cherry cordial cupcakes, and some other third expensive treat called a cookie-pop (literally cookie dough with a stick in it, guys) are being passed around liberally. There's a cocktail menu with customization available, including the Carriepolitan, and the Bradshaw-tini. Our heroine takes a Carriepolitan, and asks the mixologist, "What's in this exactly?"

"It's just a Cosmo mixed with sadness," the bartendress responds lazily. Though she's probably joking, Carrie repeats the line to Stanford, and then to everyone she ever meets as she grows drunker and drunker. Everyone laughs uproariously.

The Girls

Ever the HBIC, Samantha shows up with a tropical colored bodycon minidress, pumps, and a walker. She's making sure everything goes according to plan when talking to the disenchanted youth that are covering this event. Miranda is flying solo tonight, leaving Brady with Steve, and making sardonic remarks about every body-painted teenager passing out baked goods. Charlotte brought Harry, leaving her daughters at home with the nanny, and she's talking about her really exciting position as a PTA member at Lily's charter school.

"My vagina, though," Samantha says absently.

"We know, Samantha" Charlotte says, comfortingly patting her hand. She's gotten really senile in her advancing age.

The Big Disappointment

Big and Carrie have been legally separated for a year and a half now, and the reality is only vaguely sinking in at this party. Of course, it's a well-documented life change. "Will-mens-burg," Carrie's new book of essays about the trial-and-errors of dating younger men from a different borough is slated to be a New York Times best seller. Still. Despite being an impeccably dress woman, accomplished writer, a seasoned socialite, and an inspiration to single girls all over the world, Carrie is nobody without a boyfriend.

FACT.

But Then, A Big Surprise!

As the party is wearing down and Samantha is leaving surreptitiously with a hot graphic design student from Pratt, Carrie gets a text, reading "Come outside! (confetti emoji, wink face)" And there he is, Mr. Big, grinning out of passenger window of his car, like it's 1998 all over again. "Happy 50th, baby, I have something for you," he says, before spraying her down with silly string until the can is completely empty.

And just like that, they are back together again, the flamingo squawking romantically in the background.

Happy birthday, Carrie Bradshaw! Older, but not wiser, and that's why we love you!

Images: Giphy (5)