'GoT' Meets 'Real Housewives' Is Everything

If you've ever wondered what a reality show about the women of Westeros would be like, Sansa Stark is one million steps ahead of you: Vanity Fair asked Game of Thrones star Sophie Turner to reimagine the HBO fantasy series as a Real Housewives show, and that is exactly what she did. And I'll be a direwolf's uncle if Turner’s Real Housewives of Westeros isn't just perfect: Arya lets Cersei know her dress is “fugly,” Sansa’s opening credits tagline is “Winter may be coming, but I’m still hella hot,” and a table flip leads to the blood of enemies spilling all over the place (the Westeros Housewives like to throw back a chalice or two of enemy blood, duh). If I had a bajillion dollars, I would spend every last dime making this crossover happen.

Turner's glorious GoT/Real Housewives mashup got me thinking: What if the real Real Housewives were plopped into the Game of Thrones world? What mayhem would unfold on THAT crossover?

So, I did what I had to do: I selected one representative from each of the Real Housewives cities and imagined what it'd be like if they lived in Westeros.

Dina Manzo (The Real Housewives of New Jersey)

The White Witch of New Jersey would be right at home in the magical land of Westeros. Dina’s first order of business: have a Moon Door installed in her castle. If any of the Housewives were to go to Dina's, they would be sure to keep it zen. Otherwise, they might find themselves falling through the giant hole in the middle of the living room floor.

Jackie Gillies (The Real Housewives of Melbourne)

After meeting Jackie in a dream, Bran Stark would seek out the psychic Housewife. They'd share their visions, compare notes, et cetera. Eventually, they'd go into business together: Shine Shine Shining With Greensight, LLC.

Kenya Moore (The Real Housewives of Atlanta)

Kenya would throw endless amounts of shade and use her scepter to cast spells on her adversaries. She wouldn't understand why anyone is intimidated by Cersei Lannister; "What, are you all scared of her because she has fierce eyebrows or something?" she'd ask the other Real Housewives. "Just give her a glass of wine and chill out. I'm the one with the scepter. You all should be scared of me."

Lisa Vanderpump (The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills)

Lisa wouldn't understand all of the "fuss" surrounding the Iron Throne. "It's just a ratty old chair, really," she'd say. "I'd pick my Swarovski crystal-covered throne over that nasty iron monstrosity any day of the week. At least my throne doesn't require a Tetanus shot before sitting down."

Her opening credits tagline would either be “Throw me to the direwolves, and I shall return leading the pack” or “Life isn’t all about dragons and rosé, but it should be.”

Aviva Drescher (The Real Housewives of New York)

The other Housewives would know better than to mess with Aviva. Because Aviva can and will turn any inanimate object into a deadly weapon.

Vicki Gunvalson (The Real Housewives of Orange County)

Vicki and Cersei would spend their days cackling, scheming, and drinking flagons of wine together. Their BFF-ship would be solidified the moment Cersei finally yelled "WOO-HOO!" It would happen while she and Vicki were whooping it up at a divey pub. They'd shot gun beers to commemorate their friendship.

Lisa Hochstein (The Real Housewives of Miami)

Lisa H. would attempt to appoint herself Queen of the Real Housewives, but the other Lisa wouldn't let that happen. Lisa Vanderpump and Lisa Hochstein would nominate two young, hunky knights to joust in their honor. They'd agree whoever's knight wins the round would become the reigning Queen of the Real Housewives. Who'd be the victor? NO SPOILERS!

Michaele Salahi (The Real Housewives of D.C.)

Invited or not, Michaele would show up at every wedding, every dinner, and every Small Council meeting.

Well, that was a blast and a half, but I don't think anything I just said can hold a candle to this brilliance:

Sophie Turner rules.

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