28 Bizarre Things in 'Labyrinth'

Sometimes I cry on New Jersey Transit because David Bowie is so perfect, and other times I remember Labyrinth , with all its bizarre moments, happened. Yes, the 1986 Jim Henson movie, which plays like Sesame Street on a bad acid trip, marks a weird moment in Bowie's career, even with "weird" as his perpetual currency. Ironically I'd never seen it before this week, taking the "re" out of "bad movie rewatch," but rest assured that as a bad movie, it did not disappoint.

The plot of Labyrinth, which is a children's movie, is a hot mess: 15-year-old Sarah (a young, adorable Jennifer Connelly) inadvertently wishes for her baby half-brother to be taken by the Goblin King. When Goblin King Jareth (Bowie) does just that, Sarah has to go through a mystical labyrinth to retrieve him. If I went through every musical number or disgusting felt monster, we'd be here for days, but yeah, it gets strange immediately.

As a story and a visual experience, it’s whimsical and wacky, delightful in it’s own right. But as a piece of cinema, it’s a garbage film that mostly kept me alert with the outline of Bowie’s bulge. Which has a starring role in this production, rest assured.

So without further delay, here's 28 bizarre things from this already bizarre film.

1. This CGI owl.

Impressive for 1986, a hot mess in 2015.

2. Sarah's a normal activities include pretending to be in a fantasy world while swans swim in the background.

She will later grow up to be the hottest girl at the renaissance fair slash live action role play meet-up.

3. “Well I’d assume you’d tell me if you had a date, I’d like it if you had a date. You SHOULD have dates at your age.”

Oh look, another Friday night at my household.

4. Whatever the hell this is.

Looks like Satan's redesign of Tickle Me Elmo.

5. “Someone save me, someone take me away from this awful place!”

After less than three minutes of her over-enunciating and shouting, I'm kind of begging for the same thing.

6. Her mother died and as a result she put together a scrapbook of clippings ala the serial killer in Misery.

I'm not saying she murdered her mom. I'm just saying that it would make sense to make up a fantasy world filled of Muppets with Elephantitis if you were that brand of crazy.

7. "Toby? Toby, are you alright? Why aren't you crying?"

I'm sorry, what does she expect her infant half-brother to say to this?

8. Jareth shows up rocking the same hair as every scene girl in 2007.

"YO THIS IS JARETH GENOCIDE FROM MYSPACE.COM"

9. "The labyrinth. It doesn't look that hard. Well... come on, feet.

Feet are her only friend.

10. This adorable baby is so loud that Sarah can hear him crying deep from within the labyrinth.

Over an army of goblins.

Damn.

11. This is a children's film.

12. These mutant rabbits that are giving birth to one another or something.

Just skimming the surface of creatures that reside here.

13. This metaphor for high school.

Same.

14. These relatives of Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple.

"GO TO THE SHRINE OF THE SILVER MONKEY."

15. This is a children's film.

16. This reason for not popping your zits.

Because it'll leave a permanent penis-bird.

17. When some awful creatures are beating this sweet beast with some T-rex fetuses.

WTF all around.

18. This is a children's movie.

19. This remarkable green screen sequence.

They blew all their money on the CGI bird.

20. "Without my permission, no one will cross."

What? You're like 3 feet tall, max.

Bitch, please.

21. Sarah basically starts to imagine her dog in this acid trip, but her dog is now a horse to this talking fox.

I know, I got a headache just typing that.

22. Okay, he is literally playing with his balls in this scene, I can't.

THIS IS A CHILDREN'S MOVIE.

23. The fact that there is more than one make-up tutorials for this out there.

I'm not joking. I would never joke about that.

24. LOL ALL OF THIS.

YEAH, GOOD LUCK.

25. The strings in the background clearly holding up those floating rocks.

Again, blew their budget on the CGI owl.

26. This is a children's movie.

27. "Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."

Dude, I've been staring at your junk for the past hour and 45 minutes, don't think I won't.

28. The movie ends with Sarah in her home, partying with her magical friends.

Back in reality, Sarah's father and stepmother come home to find Sarah in a catatonic state, Toby still crying loudly in the background. Despite all their efforts, their unable to awaken her from her fairytale delusions and fantastical imaginary world. They eventually transferred her to an insane asylum in a remote part of upstate New York, where she still resides today.

The End.

Images: Tri-Star Pictures/Netflix (29)