Human sexuality is pretty complex. A big truth pill I think a lot of people have problems swallowing is its truly fluid nature. Sexuality pulses within each of us, and we all choose different, varying ways to indulge in and express it. Super fortuitous, fluctuating (sometimes expensive) sensory experiences, circumstances, brain places, feelings, thoughts, weather patterns, etc. all have a hand in summoning a familiar impulse to wash over your whole being. It's the feeling that lights your loins ablaze and beckons you to extinguish said flames by humping them out. It's not so much about what turns you on, but how various stimuli stokes your sex feelings fire. In other words, there are a lot of things that can make you horny.
And seriously—there are many stimuli capable of igniting a sexual appetite. As such, there are many types of horniness one is capable of experiencing. If and how you hump that roaring blaze out is up to you. Regardless of all that, we should take a moment to acknowledge and pay respect to a small slice of the endless shades of frisky we enjoy (or tolerate, depending on where you are and what you're doing when they strike and possibly blind you). Let's review the different kinds of horny you can be:
"It's Been Forever And This Just Needs To Happen" Horny
Sometimes horniness gathers like a slowly percolating coffee pot: You forget its sloth progress but, when it's full, YOU NEED TO POUR IMMEDIATELY.
"I Just Had Sex And I Should Be Spent But I Want More" Horny
Similar to the ravenous hunger the morning following an enormous dinner. During especially sunshine-y life moments, we are granted ample and awesome sex. It should leave us satisfied, but like the huge dinner, sometimes it just stretches our sexual stomachs and we need more.
"I Was A Boss At Work Today And I Need To Celebrate With Sex" Horny
A sexual victory lap, if you will. When you feel on top of your professional globe—high-fiving people you respect and worked hard to high-five—you probably wanna high-five your sex parts against another's sex parts. This is normal (and deserved).
"I Was So Productive Today And I Feel Alive" Horny
Productivity is one of the most positive aphrodisiacs.
"I'm Hungry But Food Isn't Here / I Just Ate And Can't Bring Myself To Keep Binging So I Might As Well Feed My Vagina" Horny
Depending how long you and your partner take and what you consider a socially reasonable meal time, this may require several romps. Not like that's a bad thing.
"I'm Mad At My Ex" Horny
Even though sex is ideally marvelous, its appeal does not always stem from an equally marvelous place. Revenge sex kinda sucks for everyone so if you're able to simple resist in these circumstances, please do. Or don't. YOLO.
"I'm Mad At Myself So I'm Going To Channel My Feelings Into Sex" Horny
Same as above. Try your hand at a new brownie recipe, or do some housework, or go on a long run. (Or, again, YOLO—have some sex.)
"I Experience Seasonal Allergies And I Read Once That This Position Opens Up My Breathing Parts Better" Horny
I cannot find the exact link to what I saw (or maybe made up? IDK/C) but here's evidence it doesn't work for just me. Seriously, spring, guys.
"I Just Cried At A Sad Commercial/Movie/TV Show And Now I Need To Shake Myself Out Of The Feels" Horny
Let's thank/blame biology for this one. Its trigger includes but is not limited to: Glade scent plug-ins, Google, trailers for Katherine Heigl films. It's a mysterious horniness-inducer, for sure.
"I'm Bored" Horny
Natch.
"I'm Procrastinating So Let's Do This" Horny
Some may argue this is a fairly productive way to put off actual items on your to-do list. An orgasm? That should be at the top of that thing anyway.
"I Need To Get Motivated And I'm Feeling Lazy So Help Me" Horny
All those pleasurable brain chemicals that rush your body post-orgasm can actually boost your ambitions. So there is scientific reasoning behind this one.
"I'm Listening To Drake Right Now, So" Horny
I cannot explain.
"I Just Walked By A Hot Person With A Cute Animal And Now I'm Turned On" Horny
Too much awesome at once. Not to mention, watching an already babely person tend to something precious—defending it, maybe even—intrigues a survival instinct. Stupid biology, at it again.
"I Thought Something Bad Was Going To Happen But It Didn't" Horny
Know what pairs great with relief? A sheet-shredding O.
"I'm On My Period And Need Some Help Soothing These Cramps" Horny
Mother Nature may seem cruel in pairing a blood-gushing vag with the overwhelming urge to stuff something that is not a tampon or menstrual cup in it. However, maybe she is on to something—orgasms actually have quite the knack for alleviating cramps.
"I Just Created A Beautiful Pinterest Board And I'm Feeling In Control Of My Life" Horny
Mason jar projects (or even just the idea of them) are enough for some of us to transcend (or devolve) from "human" to "horn-dog".
"I Just Finished Exercising And Endorphins Got Me Like" Horny
Personally, exercise makes me feel like a rapidly-deflating balloon (thanks, asthma). However, many friends I professionally surveyed and this message board confirms that many people find the endorphins following some good cardio sesh can spur an urge to bone.
"Hey, It's Finally Less Freezing Outside So Let's Celebrate" Horny
The super jovial emergence from tundra deserves extra heat. By "extra heat" I mean "banging".
"Actually, I Just Checked The Weather And A Cold Front Is Approaching" Horny
Another bummer reason to ramp up sex feelings, though, is still a reason.
"I Just Set Up My Complicated New Printer By Myself" Horny
You can do anything! Or anyone!
"I Just Moved All The Furniture In My Apartment So Let's Have Sex On It" / "Feng Shui" Horny
Isn't one of the pillar ideals of feng shui sealing the formation with an orgasm? It isn't? It should be.
"I Just Cleaned My Entire Apartment And I Cannot Stand How Happy I Am" Horny
Again, feeling successful or productive often begs a little horizontal hustle jubilee.
"I Just Got A Manicure" Horny
You know what a freshly-swagged nail looks good against? A naked body.
"I'm On Vacation" Horny
Sex in places you don't normally have sex is extra exciting. It's like the adult, carnal, legal way of etching "I WUZ HERE (and I got off)."
"I'm Never Going On Vacation So Let's Make The Best Of Being Here" Horny
When you're swamped with work and life stuff to the point when you can't possible glimpse a getaway on the horizon, might as well throw your hands up...but when you're straddling a fox.
"I Just Witnessed A True Act Of Random Human Kindness And I'm Feeling Good About Humanity" Horny
Revived hope in humanity is hot, y'all.
"I Did My Taxes" Horny
The government wants what it wants, and so does my heart. And so does my vagina.
"I Got New Shampoo" Horny
COME SMELL ME.
"I Need To Do Laundry" Horny
Perhaps another form of procrastination but if you're about to wash everything anyway, it seems totally rational to copulate all over all them textiles first. Right? Right.
"Oh, My Song Is On" Horny
It's fate. Seductive, seductive fate. I pretty much can't not have sex to this song.
"I Just Saved Money And Bought Something New So I'm Basically Winning Life" Horny
Sometimes you feel like you won against the universe—and that's pretty hot.
"I Got Paid Today" Horny
Expendable income (or the illusion of such) is like sexy fire.
"I'm So Impressed By Someone That I Either Need To Have Sex With Them Or Masturbate While Thinking About Them" Horny
On occasion, yes, a specific person may make these feelings flutter.
"Treat Yo Self" Horny
Hey, you deserve it. Or at least you think you do, whether or not those feelings of entitlement are valid. (They probably are. Let's agree they are.)
"I'm Drunk Whatevfdekuaveuvr" Horny
A classic variety.
"I Just Discovered That I Have Leftover Mac And Cheese In My Fridge And I'm So Goddamn Happy Right Now So Let's Have Sex Before I Eat It" Horny
:: slam-dunk ::
Images: rukibee/Flickr; Giphy (37)
