Cher Puts Blake in his Place on 'The Voice'

Night two of The Voice Battle Rounds was chopped down to an hour, but it dragged on. And on. Over the span of the episode, we were treated to a mere three battles. THREE. I don't know if the sluggish pace of the ep soured my viewing experience, or if I was still recovering from Monday night's epic battles, but I didn't enjoy any of the performances as much as Blake Shelton, Christina Aguilera, Cee Lo Green, and Adam Levine did. I don't like poo-pooing on this program, but I've gotta shoot ya straight: this episode was the Lunesta of the season. I'm going to blame wonky song choices, not the vocalists. Alright, here we go:

TEAM XTINA

Jacob Pool vs. Matthew Schuler, "My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark": Both guys went super hard, and the bro-rock tone caused my shoulders to tense up. Their voices sounded great and they were on key. As energetic and well-executed as it was, it bored me. My opinion is irrelevant, because the coaches were all sorts of fired up over this duet. I guess you had to be there. Matthew won, no one stole Jacob, and I crossed my fingers that Cher would appear on my screen sooner rather than later (spoiler alert: she popped up at the bitter, bitter end).

TEAM CEE LO

Kat Robichaud vs. R. Anthony, "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing": The rehearsals had me whispering, "Come on. This can't be real" at my screen. It seemed like the song didn't suit either of their voices. Once the actual battle began, it was much, much better. They harmonized really nicely with one another, and Kat went wild with the physicality. I preferred R. Anthony's performance because I was turned off by Kat's bizarre Cher impression (maybe she could sense how much I missed Cher and tried to do me a favor. Really sweet gesture, Kat!). The pair shattered my low expectations created by the rehearsal footage, so I appreciated the battle. Kat won, and R. Anthony and his pretty voice were sent home. Womp womp.

We were shown a highlight reel from a few more battles, and the only note I took was, "Ashley DuBose won her round, duh duh duh." I'm confident she deserved it. Ashley is my new number one (still miss you, Donna Allen).

TEAM BLAKE

Monika Leigh vs. Ray Boudreaux, "Some Kind of Wonderful": This song worked really well for the pair of songbirds, but again, the show's lack of energy sapped any enthusiasm I'd mustered up for this final performance. Ray was more consistent, but both had nice moments. I did laugh when Blake said, "trying to get [Monika] to do the same thing twice is like herding cats." And I did laugh again when Ray's adorable, precious little girl screamed "RAAAAAAAAAAY!" from the audience. Forget Ray and Monika, Ray's daughter is the victor. Blake chose Ray and Cee Lo stole Monika.

I looked at the clock. "Over already?" "Yes, my child," replied Carson Daly. "We'll be back next week. I promise it'll be better." I shook my head and blinked vigorously. I had fallen asleep for 10 seconds. "Carson? Carson? Are you here?" Carson was no where to be found.

CHER QUOTE OF THE NIGHT

"I have been WORKING. I don't just sit on my ass and punch a little button." —Her response when Blake asked where she's been his entire The Voice career. Cut to me slowly rising from my chair to give a standing ovation.

Photo: NBC