Bruno Mars' 'Gorilla' Video is an Ad for Baby Oil

So, here's a foolproof plan for your next venture in the world of music video-making: just add baby oil. That's the takeaway from Bruno Mars' latest video-venture, "Gorilla," a tune that speaks to the art of making sexy times like you're a giant hairy beast who lives in the wild. You know, an animal that doesn't have sex for the fun, frisky, enjoyable thing that it is, but rather out of necessity. But hey — it's art, right? And art means never having to apologize for being shiny.

But, I mean, it is funny when you consider that there's no way a gorilla would look that sweat-kissed during sex because they're some of the hairiest motherfuckers on the planet. That baby oil would be all absorb, absorb, absorb. Ain't no way that moisture's not gonna do it's job, you know?

Which isn't to say that it's all bad: the song itself is undeniably sexy in that retro way Bruno Mars seems to have on lock, to say nothing of the fact that its video has created the foundation for many a wet dream for boys the world over. That's what happens when you put Freida Pinto on a stripper pole. But still, is it really all that original to brandish the "sexy" moniker when your idea of sexy is just pouring a bunch of baby oil all over everything ever?

Every single person in this entire video is glistening. Every single set piece. A guitar's lit on fire (by "tequila" also known as probably more baby oil, we're guessing). There's winding and grinding — and all of it shining! Forget the CGI budget for that creepy-ass Brunogorilla at the end, we want to know what that baby oil budget was. C'mon Bruno: tell us. Was it $500? $5,000? A BILLION?!

It can't possibly be cheap to keep Luis Guzman lubed up like that, or whatever stripper was pretending to be Freida Pinto for most of the actual pole work. (Those moves couldn't possibly be the work of an amateur, could they? Or is this something that's learned in step one of strip aerobic classes and I'm just grossly underestimating the power of the human body?) Or Bruno Mars, who keeps on rubbing himself up against things and people because ~sexual emotions~ and probably needed re-application several times throughout the shoot.

But I mean, I suppose it all makes sense when you take a look at just how sexy and romantical gorilla mating times are: it's all pump, pump, pass. What girl wouldn't swoon over such a proposition? Just add oil, my friends. From there on out it's all silky-smooth.

There's a king kong metaphor in here somewhere.