Entertainment
I Talked To People On Tinder Using Drake Lyrics From The "Drizzle" App, And This Is What Happened — PHOTOS
There are two things in this world I have virtually no useful knowledge on: The social etiquette of the dating app Tinder, and Drake. I am well-known in my friend group for being chronically, happily single, and as for the Drake thing...like, how do Drake fans become Drake fans? I’ve never even heard any of his songs. He seems like a chill dude and all, but I feel like I have to confess my complete and total ignorance on this topic before we all proceed any further with this article: I'm a Drake virgin (who can't drive. Okay, that's not true but I can't hear "virgin" without adding that). That, however, did not stop me from spending my entire weekend responding to people on Tinder with exclusively Drake lyrics generated from the new app “Drizzy” and it was basically the social equivalent of a toddler driving a tractor trailer.
If you haven’t heard of Drizzy yet, oh boy, do I have some news for you. Someone has created an app for regular humans like you and me so we can talk like Drake whenever we want. When you’re texting it will suggest random Drake lyrics, even categorizing them for the occasion so you can holler at your friends/scare your mom/pick a fight with your significant other to the Drake sentiment of your choosing. And so, this past Saturday, I settled onto my friend's couch, popped open a bottle of the cheapest wine we could find, and downloaded Tinder for the very first time to begin my epic Drake-themed ~romance~.
I have to admit, I was very wary of what was going to happen on Tinder. I've lived in New York literally for a week, and I’ve heard enough horror stories and read enough exhaustive tweets from friends to know that Tinder is less "roses and daffodils" and more "jeepers and creepers". And while I did get a few WTFs in my rapid Tinder swiping, I regained some major faith in humanity. I also managed to get myself cut off from swiping for twelve hours for swiping too many times. It was a night of mixed shame and pride for all. But I am happy to report that there are humans out there with a sense of humor, some of whom were more than worth the swipe. Others, not so much. But it was all for the best, because I would not trade the shenanigans and flirting “for real” for the world.
Me, Me, Me
First, a bit about my favorite person on Tinder: ME. I decided I was going to be a hundred percent, annoyingly real in my profile. Yes, I am holding a cupcake and looking like a person who is bad at flirting, because, incidentally, I am the kind of person who poses with cupcakes and is bad at flirting. The purpose of this exercise in realness was so that none of my Tinder victims would suspect that I was going to go full-on Drake with them as soon as they took the bait.
The Worthy Opponent
This was one of my first swipes, and the conversation went on LONG after this. Did I ever stop using Drake lyrics? Hell no. Do I actually kinda want to go out with this guy?
Probably yes. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The Cringe-iest
A part of me was like “EWWWW” but the louder, more terrible part of me was like, “Yes YES yes, you deserve this.” So often there were actually nice humans on Tinder I felt bad screwing with, but NOT THIS ONE. I would like to say that “WORST” is, in fact, a lyric suggested by Drizzy (don’t ask me what song, we’ve already established I don’t know jack). I was saving it extra special and I feel happy with my choice to use it here.
The High Flier
AHHHHH YOU GOT ME YOU ARE SO SMART YOU ARE THE SMARTEREST CAN’T GET ANYTHING PAST YOU, PAL!!!!
This is, though, a testament to how much nonsense some people will put up with for the hope of getting laid by a human Powerpuff Girl.
The Richy Rich
Drake wanted me to let this guy know I had money, and this guy, in turn, wanted to let me know he had some too. I gotta say I was real proud of him when he came back at me with Drake lyrics, though. He’s gonna go far in life.
The Genius
SOMEONE GIVE THIS HUMAN AN AWARD for being the fastest one to figure me out. And then please give ME an award for the cake lyric, because I went well beyond the Drizzy call of duty and googled that lyric myself. I found out a stone truth that day: If you can dream it, Drake has sung about it.
The Sassafrass
OK, Muhlenburg. Props where props are due.
The Plot Twist
You know what’s really unfair about this whole thing? This guy has a cool story about getting the crap beaten out of him by Drake’s bodyguard, and I don’t. Literally nothing that has ever happened to me is as exciting as that. Way to wreck my life, dude.
The Cold Call
For most of the rounds, I waited until someone messaged me before coming at them with a Drake lyric, but I sent five guys in a row this same message and waited to see what would happen. I won’t even bore you with the other peoples’ replies because this one was the best.
The Ross
Before we proceed any further, you need to know that this guy’s name is Ross and his profile said he was “looking for his Rachel.” Let that sink in for a moment. That, unto itself, is eye roll worthy enough, right? Now please consider his OPENING LINE to me. The Ross is looking for his Rachel and HITTING ON HIS DAUGHTER (my name is Emma, in case bylines bore you). Sorry, dude, I didn’t even feel that bad about this one.
The #YouTried
Oh, friend. How hard you did try to keep up with my nonsense. If anything, this experiment just taught me that posing with a cupcake has given me enough wiggle room on the “hot crazy” scale from How I Met Your Mother that someone can use me spouting Drake lyrics as a springboard for telling me about their childhood.
The Smooth Move
Dear broski: It actually was your screen. I actually uploaded a picture of the most recent Godzilla, and IDK if that’s your thing or your phone is really, really broken. Either way, you did step up to the Drake plate.
The Rage
I almost didn’t even put this one up because I’m so mad at myself. The conversation went on way longer than this, with me basically baiting him along thinking he was going to get lucky with solely Drake lyrics, and the little twerp unmatched us and the convo was gone forever. Let this be a lesson to us all: If you’re going to mess with people on your phone, SCREENSHOT IT IMMEDIATELY. If anyone needs me I’ll be crying myself to sleep over this lost work of Drizzy art.
The Sweetheart
I GENUINELY felt terrible messing with this guy, which is to say, I had a blast messing with him. Look how adorable and hip this human was. Of all the people I harassed and was harassed by in the last 48 hours, he is the most deserving of a fist bump by far.
