If you’re anything like me, then you've thought about what it would be like to be an actual witch or wizard every day since the first time you read or watched Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone . Of course, for me that was the summer after I turned 17, and I’m not entirely sure I should be proud of the fact that I genuinely wanted to attend Hogwarts and cast spells as an almost-legal adult, but whatever. The glory of Harry Potter is ageless.
So ageless, in fact, that even as a real adult I still wish some adorable owl would drop an acceptance letter to the infamous school of witchcraft and wizardry on my welcome mat. I mean, they had hippogriffs and unicorns on campus, giant pumpkins to hide behind, a library that makes the book nerd in me drool, and easily the best school lunches in existence. Plus, as a student I was nearly on Hermione’s level, and as a professional I’m almost a workaholic so I think I would've come out of that establishment as quite the impressive witch.
Alas, I’m merely a muggle. But if I had gone to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry here are the top 15 Harry Potter spells I would want to perform in real life. They sure would come in handy.
1. Accio
What it does: Summons objects to the spell caster's open arms.
What I'd use it for: Getting snacks out of my kitchen without having to get off my futon.
Could there be a more convenient spell? I doubt it. I can’t count how many times I’ve pointed at something and muttered accio under my breath hoping that maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t have to pause Netflix, get out from under my blanket fort, and grab whatever snack, device, or box of tissues I suddenly needed.
2. Lumos
What it does: Causes a light of varying brightness to appear at the end of the spell caster's wand, like a torch.
What I'd use it for: Primarily for finding my keys, but I'd also hoist it in the air at concerts.
Okay, so anyone with a smartphone basically has the power to perform this spell already, but I still wish I could do it IRL. I mean, what am I supposed to do when I need a light but my phone runs out of battery life or falls in the toilet?
3. Nox
What it does: Extinguishes the light that Lumos creates.
What I'd use it for: General sneakiness.
It just stands to reason that if I’m going to be performing Lumos I’m also going to need to perform Nox. How else am I supposed to hide from the Professor Snapes in my life when I’m sneaking around on late-night adventures?
4. Aguamenti
What it does: Causes a stream of fresh water to emit from the spell caster's wand.
What I'd use it for: Keeping cool and hydrated in the hell-fire that is summertime, and general tom-foolery.
A fresh stream of water with the simple utterance of one word? Hell yes. I would be pranking people left and right. Plus, you know, clean drinking water for all.
5. Alohamora
What it does: Picks any lock, no matter the size or strength.
What I'd use it for: Putting locksmiths out of business.
This spell would be so much easier than breaking into my own apartment with my driver’s license after my boyfriend and I both lock ourselves out. Like a couple of dumbasses.
6. Episky
What it does: Heals minor injuries.
What I'd use it for: Fixing my shaving nicks, and my little nieces' many boo boos.
This spell would have really come in handy when I got my nose broken in my freshman year of high school. I could have skipped the whole emergency room, x-ray, nasal surgery, and recovery experience with one weird, adorable word.
7. Ferula
What it does: Creates bandages and splints.
What I'd use it for: Avoiding the emergency room the next time my clumsiness wins.
When I broke my arm in the fourth grade (yeah, yeah, I know how ridiculously accident prone I sound) while climbing around in Wyoming, it would have been so much nicer to just point a wand at it and say Ferula instead of having to cradle it for the two hour drive to Jackson Hole’s hospital. Why couldn’t I have been born magical? I obviously could use the extra help.
8. Locomotor
What it does: Causes an object of the spell caster's choosing to rise in the air and move around at the spell caster's will.
What I'd use it for: Primarily for moving, but also for every time I need to pick up something weighing over 25 pounds.
Since I have the upper body strength of a hummingbird despite my very real strength training efforts, I would be so happy if I could perform this spell in my daily life. Never again would I need help flipping my mattress or moving my bookshelves. Plus, I’d never have to worry about my car getting stuck in all this stupid snow ever again.
9. Muffliato
What it does: Keeps people near the spell caster from overhearing their private conversations.
What I'd use it for: Primarily to ensure privacy when my friends and I talk about our sex lives at length and in detail, which is all the time. Also to prevent nearby little one's from hearing me cuss like a sailor.
10. Pack
What it does: Packs the spell caster's luggage.
What I'd use it for: Any packing I ever have to do. Whether its my lunch, my overnight bag, or my entire apartment.
I hate packing. I hate it so much. Even for fun things like vacations. So a spell that would allow me to listen to “Earned It” on repeat while it did the packing for me sounds kind of like heaven.
11. Portus
What it does: Turns any object into a portkey, thus allowing the spell caster to teleport just by touching the enchanted object.
What I'd use it for: Visiting my buddy in Los Angeles and sneaking into movie theaters.
As fun as road trips can be, it would be so great if instead of having to drive the eight hours south to New Orleans for my upcoming vacation I could just turn my pillow into a portkey and be in the Big Easy in literally two seconds. Plus, it would sure save me money on gas and airfare.
12. Scourgify
What it does: Cleans anything the spell caster points their wand at.
What I'd use it for: Never having to scrub a toilet bowl again.
I love things to be clean, but like most people I don’t relish the cleaning experience. So being able to point at my bathroom floor and say scourgify instead of getting on all fours to scrub up tons of grossness would be like living in a damn dream.
13. Silencio
What it does: Immediately silences whatever or whoever the spell caster points their wand at.
What I'd use it for: Muting Fox News any time I have the misfortune of encountering it.
If I could point at my dude’s PS4 and silence GTA 5 with one word I think I’d literally cartwheel. Even with my bedroom fan on high and my rain sounds app on full blast I can still hear that nonsense sometimes when I’m trying to sleep. And it makes me crazy.
14. Undetectable Extension Charm
What it does: Causes any container of the spell caster's choosing to increase in capacity without showing any visible signs of extension.
What I'd use it for: Sneaking taco bell onto airplanes, sneaking taco bell into movie theaters, and over-packing for trips.
This beautiful charm used by that beautiful chick, Hermione, in The Deathly Hallows would finally allow me to overpack without feeling judged. YAS.
15. Reparo
What it does: Repairs broken objects.
What I'd use it for: Repairing the many dishes I've broken by accident and the cute Disney snow globe I shattered out of frustration.
I think we’ve established that I have a problem with breaking things. Whether it’s my bones or my wine glasses I clearly would benefit from any spell meant to mend, and reparo is definitely one of those spells.
Images: Harry Potter/Facebook; Giphy/(9)
