What Would Nev's Tinder Profile Look Like?

If the mere existence of Catfish star Nev Schulman makes you want to hurl breakable objects at your television, you probably shouldn't watch the following video. As it turns out, Nev Schulman is single and Us Weekly made a dating video where he describes what he's looking for in a human woman. Prepare yourself, because your eyes are about to roll places that they have never rolled before.

Now, first and foremost, this video is a promotion for Season 4 of Schulman's online dating mystery-solvers series, but Schulman answers enough questions for us to deduce the following truths about him and his romantic life: He is an extremely uncomfortable dancer. He is currently not in a relationship. He may at one point be in Texas or Georgia pretty soon. And if you want to date him, you're gonna have to go through his assistant. (Gah, JAGWEED!) Furthermore, he is looking for a girl who he perceives as "natural," which in his mind means "like a girl with a ponytail and no nail polish." WHAT?!?!

He also claims to have never done the "online dating thing," save the time that he basically did in that documentary he made about online dating, also called Catfish, which he doesn't mention. OK, Nev.

If Schulman gets inspired by his Us Weekly video and compiles a Tinder Profile, I have a feeling I know exactly what it would look like. First of all, his caption would be something like "Hi, I'm Nev. Like Steve, but Nev," and he would probably like J. Crew. His photos would be made up of an assortment of pictures from the following categories that Tinder images fall into.

Close-up Face Pic

This one proves that he is not only un-disfigured, but he might share your love of antiquated technology references!

Full Body Shot

He wants you to know he works out.

Picture To Prove That He Totally Has Friends

Hence, social skills!

Picture To Prove That Some Of Those Friends Are Definitely Female

This serves as evidence that other members of the opposite sex find him attractive, like, all the time.

Photo To Prove That A Sense Of Humor Is Also Something He Possesses

Ironic sadness on Christmas + knowledge of 2014 slang terms = SO WITTY, RIGHT?!

Picture To Prove He Met Some Celebrities Once

One time, he met the dude from Entourage. 'Twas the best day of his life.

Picture To Prove He Loves Animals

If he holds the puppies close enough to his face, maybe he will become the puppies.

Picture To Prove That He's Totes A World Traveler

Not to brag or anything, but he's been to Europe. Girls who wear their hair down and like nail polish need not apply.