The weekend Frozen first premiered, I remember friends texting me from all the places they were scattered on the continent: "You have to see this movie," "It'll change you," and all sorts of melodramatic things that turned out to be true for me, at least at first. The first little kids who hit YouTube with "Let It Go" covers were adorable, and the next round was sweet, and the next round was just meh, but somewhere in the last, oh, say, fifteen months, it's gotten a little less precious, and this woman claiming she wants to choke the characters in Frozen knows the collective pain of poor, unsuspecting parents around the world all too well. Especially now that so many of those parents are trapped indoors with kids whose school has been cancelled on account of the obscene weather that's been plaguing so much of the country lately.
You will look into the eyes of Aunt Boo (whose real name is Odessa L. Waters) and you will see the face of a woman 100% more done than Anna was with Hans when she realized he was casually trying to murder his way to her sister's throne. (I'm not going to put a spoiler alert on here, if you haven't seen it by now then you probably don't have an internet to be reading this.) And while some parents submitted to the madness by posting their own covers or passive-aggressively giving their children actual, literally frozen dolls, Aunt Boo just lays out the truth we were all too wimpy to say: it's too much. It's too far. Thanks to "Let It Go", this planet isn't safe for any of us to live in anymore.
What especially brought on the madness of a lot of parents this week (as I am gathering from the incensed parents of young kids in my newsfeed) is that with the combination of President's Day and all the days off kids have been getting for Icepocalypse 2015, people like Aunt Boo have been stuck with their children for as many as five days in a row. And of course kids are going to watch the movie about being frozen when it's actually frozen outside because they're too young to appreciate the beauty of binge-watching Friends in their sweatpants. This is just a recipe for disaster.
Godspeed, parents of North America. Although you may be suffering now, just know that it is not in vain, for your trials have effectively warned me and all the other childless millennials to never, ever, under any circumstances let our future children watch Frozen (or at least to invest in some industrial strength earplugs before we do).
