7 Things You Can Expect From 'AHS: Coven'

We're suckers for a good witch story. Practical Magic is still a seminal classic to us, and from our obsessions with Charmed and Willow Rosenberg to the middle school Wicca phase* that just happened to coincide with it, magical ladies have always had a special place in our hearts. Which is why when we heard that anthology series American Horror Story would be tackling the topic in its newest season, we couldn't help but be psyched. Then we got to watch the premiere to American Horror Story. And we're still psyched.

We knew Coven wouldn't be quite as...PG-13 as some of our past witchy adventures. This ain't Sabrina the Teenage Witch we're talking about, this is a show where a character once tried to replace his murdered child with a hodge-podge of parts from other dead babies; glowing orbs of good magic and happy sunny times are not the name of the game here.

Still, we couldn't resist. Jessica Lange? Angela Basset? Kathy Bates? Doing witchy things together, probably at some point cackling and maybe turning people into toads (but probably something much worse)? We are not strong enough to resist such temptation. And so we watched the premiere. And it was cray. Here are some teases of what you can expect from the first episode, should you choose to watch.

Some good ol' fashioned gory racial violence

*Shudders*. The show sure likes to remind us that "Horror Story" is in its title.

An effed-up sex scene. Or two. Or three.

Actually, it's four, to be precise. Well, maybe three and a half, but those other three are doozies, lemme tell you. Because of course they are, this is American Horror Story we're talking about.

Some truly bats*** costumes

Have you seen what Frances Conroy's wearing in Coven ? It's fantastic, and we think we might need to alter our Halloween costume plans to reflect it. Or maybe just wear it every day.

The rest are more subdued, but we're crossing our fingers for the upcoming episodes.

Girl, Interrupted, but with witches

Small group of troubled girls trying to deal with what the world dealt them? Chaos ensues? Pretty much.

A Nicolas Cage reference

We'll leave you to see that one for yourself.

A Harry Potter reference

This boarding school ain't no Hogwarts, but where would a modern witchy tale be without a reference to it?

Jessica Lange being perfectly perfect

And terrifying. And fabulous.

American Horror Story: Coven premieres this Wednesday on FX.

*No offense to any currently-practicing Wiccas.

Image: Frank Ockenfels/FX