'Vanderpump's Jax Wants To Live That Clooney Life

Monday night, Bravo aired the first half of what Vanderpump Fools like yours truly (I don’t know if I’m sold on that name for members of the Vanderpump Rules fandom, but it’s the best I can come up with right now) have been looking forward to for months: Scheana Marie and Shay said their I dos. Before Scheana could emerge from an AC-less storage closet, yell at her wedding coordinator about a botched entrance cue, and walk down the aisle, the cast speculated about who from their group of friends might be next to tie the knot. Will it be Tom Sandoval and Ariana? Katie and Tom Schwartz? Kristen and James? In a talking head, Jax shared his prediction: No one else from the merry band of SURvers will be getting hitched any time soon, himself included. He said he plans on taking a page out of George Clooney’s book; he would like to wait a few more years before he settles down with a human rights lawyer. What a nice wish, I thought. We should all be so lucky to end up with someone as brilliant and successful and stunning as Amal Alamuddin Clooney.

But before I could get too caught up in imagining some future in which the Vanderpumper marries a powerful barrister, the Jax talking head was back. “Human rights lawyer?" he laughed. "How boring is that? What do you talk about at night?”

Ah. OK. There's he is. There's the Jax we know.

I assume his last question was a rhetorical question, but I'm going to go ahead and answer it anyway: Something tells me Amal Alamuddin Clooney is totally capable of holding a conversation about chunky knit sweaters, or you know, literally anything. Just a hunch.

Oh, but the mess didn't stop there. Jax went on to say the the former Most Eligible Bachelor of Hollywood has dated “much hotter girls.”

Don't mind me as I gnash my teeth so hard they fall right on out of my skull.

Images: Tommy Garcia/Bravo; bricesander/tumblr (2)