Mila & Ashton Are Almost Certainly Married

Well, son of a gun! We totally missed Jackie and Kelso's wedding, you guys!!!! At least, I strongly believe that we did. In a recent interview with Ellen DeGeneres Mila Kunis wouldn't say if she and Ashton Kutcher are already married, which means that they probably went and eloped right under our noses. Thanks for the save date, you two!! (Please, take note of the heavy sarcasm in that last sentence. I feel totally betrayed and extremely un-thankful.)

The That '70s Show actress and contracted Jim Beam enthusiast sat down with DeGeneres to talk about the excitement of childrearing, baby Wyatt's superlative birth weight, and Kutcher's expert baby-swaddling skills. Towards the end of the interview, DeGeneres addressed a cryptic Facebook picture posted by Kutcher a few weeks ago that folks believed to be an accidental/on purpose marriage announcement.

The photo showed the message "Happy New Year, Love The Kutchers," written in the sand on a beach. In an attempt to set the record straight, DeGeneres asked Kunis if she was already married. Kunis shrugged, laughed coyly, said "I dunno," and tried to explain it away. For lack of a less crude analogy, she went through the motions of a guilty farter when confronted about their flatulence.

I know, right?! No shame in it, but Kunis totally farted in this case. When I say "farted," I actually mean "got married without letting ANYONE know." The body language says it all.

Even if we don't have official confirmation of this wedding, I'm gonna go with my gut and believe that it happened. The next step in this process is to find out when. My only recourse to do so with this frustratingly private couple is to turn to Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter for clues.

Let's start with the most obvious theory. Is it possible that they had a simple civil ceremony on Dec. 30, prompting Kutcher to post the following picture on New Year's Day out of excitement?

Or maybe they had an intimate ceremony in this rustic-looking barn on the day after Christmas? Eh??

Perhaps, they've been married for months and nobody knew! He posted a picture of these origami-folded notes in October. Perhaps they were wedding invitations for a wedding happening that day?!?!?!

OK, maybe that's a stretch, but I'm working with pretty sparse clues here. While this hypothetical wedding may remain a mystery to us forever, it probably won't. At some point, someone's publicist is gonna have to release an official statement and free us from this hell of speculation!!

Image: Giphy