'Scandal': Who's A Gladiator, A Sadiator?

Any time I realize that Thursday is the season premiere of ABC's Scandal, I turn into the Oprah Winfrey version of myself and bellow "oh my goddddd Escaaaandaaaaaaaaalooooooo!" as I frantically run around my apartment in nearly-psychotic glee. Because the Shonda Rhimes-created, Kerry Washington-fronted soapy political drama is good. Fun and crazy good. And after Season 2 crazy finale, we're expecting a lot of resets and moral ambiguities to come.

But who are we left to root for? The get-shit-done, no-problem-too-big gladiators of Olivia Pope and Associates among us (Okay, so maybe only in our dreams) have a lot of questions. And we have no idea who to trust anymore. So (spoilers ahoy!) the biggest problem of them all: knowing who's a gladiator and who's a sadiator. Especially going into season three. So! We've done what any good gladiator-in-training would do: break it down for you.

TEAM SADIATOR

Olivia PopeStatus: SadiatorOlivia has a lot to be stressed out about, and it might be time for her to need a bit of fixing herself. The top gladiator of seasons past has been mired in grief for months. Now it's time for it all to come to a head.

President Fitzgerald GrantStatus: SadiatorI mean, c'mon. President cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eater, President killed-a-lady, President had-the-election-stolen-for-him (admittedly without his knowledge but STILL)? Oh yeah, he deserves to be a sadiator.

Cyrus BeaneStatus: SadiatorHe had a heart attack over all the manipulative, greedy, fucked-up things he's done. OF COURSE he's a bit sadiator.

Jake BallardStatus: SadiatorHe's been deceptive and secretive all season long, and now he's in that swell little B-316 hole in the ground, sure to be a wasted vision of himself upon his removal from the hellpit that started everything terrible for Huck. Yep — total sadiator (that we sort of want to hug real bad).

Quinn PerkinsStatus: Doesn't Know She's a SadiatorWell Quinn went from Baby Huck to Big Huck with the torture of Billy Chambers and we saw a whole new (and a whole lotta crazy) side to the girl formally known as Lindsay Dwyer. While she might think she's still a gladiator, something tells us that just might not be the case. I mean, c'mon: she loved almost killing that guy way, way too much.

HuckStatus: The Sad GladiatorWhile Huck seems to be on that permanently sadiator tip, we're hopeful that this season will find him a bit of peace. After last season's emotionally abusive (I mean, seriously — homebody's life has been beyond fucked up) look into what made him who he is today, there's a part of us that thinks those dark moments (and with the help of Quinn) will only make him come out out all this stronger than before. But not before a lot more of the bad stuff.

TEAM GLADIATOR

David RosenStatus: GladiatorDavid has been chewed up and spit out by the government cogs in Washington. But after last season's last laugh and redemption, the white hat is back on. Out of the ashes you come, David. Welcome to the good side.

Harrison WrightStatus: Gladiator... for now.Harrison is walking that thin Olivia Pope line with the quickness. We're just worried that with great responsibility comes a really great big fall.

Abby WhelanStatus: GladiatorAbby is perhaps the most adaptable person on Scandal, which puts her in the interesting position of being perhaps the most gladiatoriest of all the gladiators. Literally nothing stops this woman — not an abusive marriage, not backstabbing friends (cough Harrison), nothing. Doesn't hurt that she's a ginger (a.k.a. the best), either.

First Lady Mellie GrantStatus: The Surprise GladiatorHonestly, Mellie's never been the most moral character — her determination to rule the political roost is on-par with Cryus' — but something tells us she's coming out on top of this whole my-husband-the-President-cheated-on-me-and-oh-yeah-we-just-had-a-baby thing. And look at her, embracing all that rain in this photo! Something tells us that's quite the torrential metaphor.