Life
The 13 Stages Of Surviving A Snow Day With Your Roommates, As Told In Emoji
Winter storm Juno has rained her icy wrath all across the Northeast. The prospect of surviving a serious winter storm is never particularly appealing, but you're a grown up! You've got this! The snow is on the ground, and all you have to do is survive the next 24 hours of snow day cabin fever before you can resume regularly scheduled life. You can do this. Just in case, though, maybe it's good to know what's coming. Come gaze in the crystal ball of what this day will probably mean for you, your libido, and your blood sugar.
Images: Beca Grimm; Emojipedia.org
First things first: Gotta do the adult thing and hit the supermarket for essential supplies. Surely Whole Foods is going to be a certifiable shit show, but you gotta make sure your roommates and you don’t completely starve. The problem is, amid the chaos, you kind of forget what are blizzard-specific foods. In a fit of panic, you improvise with various edibles and as many bottles of red wine you can stuff into your granny cart. When the cashier announces your total, it’s only moderately heartbreaking. You bolt home, trying not to get distracted by the paper white sky. It’s fairly sinister.
Upon unlocking the door, you find your roommates and other pals already three drinks deep into the party. At first ,you’re a little pissed all these random dudes are going to devour the baguette rations you carefully (OK, mindlessly) selected. You have some wine. One of the guys brought cake! This isn’t all bad. You begin to relax and watch powder gather on the cars below your apartment.
Cars on your street now sport a thick layer of fluffy snow. Fat chunks of ice pour from the sky. Cake Guy is starting to look a little cuter. Wifi gurgles to a halt and the Spotify soundtrack follows suit. Cake Guy is definitely a babe at this point. More wine, anyone?
OK, the wifi is still out. Like…why. Why is this happening. OH GOD. It’s back! This is true happiness.
True happiness abounds in your snow cave. There’s drunk, happy dancing and the strong suggestion to peruse Netflix. You and the roommates chill and begin to consider blizzard-themed manicures. The dudes—Cake Guy included—get the hint it’s Katherine Heigl or bust—or leave. They leave. You’re a hero.
Hey so…this granny cart used to hold A LOT more wine in your memory. The memory that is now fogging over after hours of day-drinking. Side note: You’re now beginning to believe that your building is moving ever so slightly in the howling ice wind outdoors.
This is acceptable. Your time to shine again. You prepare for a solo pilgrimage to the corner bodega. You channel Katniss if Katniss ever lived with a bunch of useless winos during a snow storm. You assume Katniss never did that, but maybe Jennifer Lawrence did. Yeah, that seems like the kind of thing she would do, so you channel her as you trudge to get more “supplies”.
Upon opening the door from your building to the street, you almost crash to the ground. WHAT IS THIS EVEN. Thank goodness you brought sunglasses for the journey. You squint regardless and laser tag run to corner store.
Bright fluorescents and a decidedly unstoked clerk greet you. Your agenda entails solely grabbing a few bottles of halfway decent Shiraz, some emergency candles, and getting the hell back home. However, the only wine option is Manischewitz which is fine, but like…oh hey—there’s some King Cobra tallboys. This is acceptable. This is going to be hilarious! Juno, you minx!
Outdoors hasn’t improved in the last five minutes you spent deliberating in the deli. You fantasize about your homecoming. A parade of gracious roommates, wine-soaked lips turned up in delighted grins. Oh, the King Cobra toasts to come! The laughs! Maybe some cookies. (Cake Guy brought a lot of types of treats. He was pretty alright, tbh.)
You’re home! It’s…dark. Is that broken glass? Oh man. Your roommates got too trashed and fell asleep. Time to pour yourself a beer and peruse blizzard Tinder (which is perhaps the most lenient of all types of Tinder).
Oh, look! A new email from someone who isn’t Seamless! You’re popular! People like you and send you emails! Oh—It’s from work. The train is down tomorrow! Everyone is working remotely! This. News. Is. Wonderful! This…is giving you a drunk, snow-crazed, good-bad idea…
Hello, Cake Guy! What?! He said he lives two blocks away and “wouldn’t mind the trek back to hang out more”, aka, “please drunk dial me later if you want a blizzard make-our buddy”! Might as well get your own blizzard kicks, right? He comes over, you drink the Cobras, make out, eat more cookies, then heads home and you retire to most deep, satisfying sleep of your life. Hey, Juno, you ain’t half-bad.
