The State Of The Union, As Told By Emoji

The night has come, y'all: New year, new State of te Union from President Barack Obama. I have a lot of questions for this man, and most of them have to do with whether he's up for forgiving all of my student loans. But because that's not a possibility, I'm still open to hear what else Obama has to say. Of course, there's already a transcript available of the full speech if you want to read through it, but it's really long. We're talking Gone With the Wind long. And though Obama's obviously an awesome speaker, it's a lot of information to digest. So what's the best way to digest it? You guessed it: Emojis.

After all, any emotion that you experience can be expressed with emojis, so why wouldn't the State of the Union be the same? Yeah, Obama made a lot of good points about the economy and the middle class and stuff, but what does it really mean if it can't be explained using those little brown money bags with dollar signs on them?

Get ready to understand the State of the Union in a way you never have before.... And Obama, if you want to give next year's address in emojis yourself, it might be for the best.

It began like this:

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, my fellow Americans:

We are fifteen years into this new century. Fifteen years that dawned with terror touching our shores; that unfolded with a new generation fighting two long and costly wars; that saw a vicious recession spread across our nation and the world. It has been, and still is, a hard time for many.

And things started off super positive.

America, for all that we’ve endured; for all the grit and hard work required to come back; for all the tasks that lie ahead, know this: The shadow of crisis has passed, and the State of the Union is strong.

The economy is growing, and Obama plans to do everything he can for the middle class.

So the verdict is clear. Middle-class economics works. Expanding opportunity works. And these policies will continue to work, as long as politics don’t get in the way. We can’t slow down businesses or put our economy at risk with government shutdowns or fiscal showdowns. We can’t put the security of families at risk by taking away their health insurance, or unraveling the new rules on Wall Street, or refighting past battles on immigration when we’ve got a system to fix. And if a bill comes to my desk that tries to do any of these things, it will earn my veto.

He's ready to make childcare more accessible.

It’s time we stop treating childcare as a side issue, or a women’s issue, and treat it like the national economic priority that it is for all of us. And that’s why my plan will make quality childcare more available, and more affordable, for every middle-class and low-income family with young children in America — by creating more slots and a new tax cut of up to $3,000 per child, per year.

And he wants to make paid sick and maternity leave a thing, too. Which is pretty awesome.

Send me a bill that gives every worker in America the opportunity to earn seven days of paid sick leave. It’s the right thing to do.

And, you know, ensure that women receive equal pay. That's nice, too.

That’s why this Congress still needs to pass a law that makes sure a woman is paid the same as a man for doing the same work. Really. It’s 2015.

Other things that need to be more affordable? College.

That’s why I am sending this Congress a bold new plan to lower the cost of community college— to zero.

He also stressed that we need to find jobs for our returning military.

Joining Forces, the national campaign launched by Michelle and Jill Biden, has helped nearly 700,000 veterans and military spouses get new jobs. So to every CEO in America, let me repeat: If you want somebody who’s going to get the job done, hire a veteran.

And he's super pro-science and medicine.

21st century businesses will rely on American science, technology, research, and development. I want the country that eliminated polio and mapped the human genome to lead a new era of medicine — one that delivers the right treatment at the right time.

And the terrorists? Better watch out.

First, we stand united with people around the world who’ve been targeted by terrorists — from a school in Pakistan to the streets of Paris. We will continue to hunt down terrorists and dismantle their networks, and we reserve the right to act unilaterally, as we’ve done relentlessly since I took office to take out terrorists who pose a direct threat to us and our allies.

He also mentioned what went down with The Interview and warned that it better not happen again.

No foreign nation, no hacker, should be able to shut down our networks, steal our trade secrets, or invade the privacy of American families, especially our kids. We are making sure our government integrates intelligence to combat cyber threats, just as we have done to combat terrorism. And tonight, I urge this Congress to finally pass the legislation we need to better meet the evolving threat of cyber-attacks, combat identity theft, and protect our children’s information.

Something else he's keeping a focus on: climate change.

That’s why, over the past six years, we’ve done more than ever before to combat climate change, from the way we produce energy, to the way we use it. That’s why we’ve set aside more public lands and waters than any administration in history. And that’s why I will not let this Congress endanger the health of our children by turning back the clock on our efforts.

And despite the problems we still face, Obama's pretty optimistic.

I still believe that we are one people. I still believe that together, we can do great things, even when the odds are long. I believe this because over and over in my six years in office, I have seen America at its best.

Although we're obviously still divided as a country on certain issues...

We still may not agree on a woman’s right to choose, but surely we can agree it’s a good thing that teen pregnancies and abortions are nearing all-time lows, and that every woman should have access to the health care she needs.

And obvz the criminal justice system needs a pretty intense overhaul.

Surely we can agree it’s a good thing that, for the first time in 40 years, the crime rate and the incarceration rate have come down together and use that as a starting point for Democrats and Republicans, community leaders, and law enforcement to reform America’s criminal justice system so that it protects and serves us all.

And for those reasons, his to-do list is looking pretty long for the next two years. But not impossible.

I have no more campaigns to run. My only agenda for the next two years is the same as the one I’ve had since the day I swore an oath on the steps of this Capitol — to do what I believe is best for America. If you share the broad vision I outlined tonight, join me in the work at hand. If you disagree with parts of it, I hope you’ll at least work with me where you do agree. And I commit to every Republican here tonight that I will not only seek out your ideas, I will seek to work with you to make this country stronger.

And... just... 'Merica.