People always like to talk about how your vagina is wonderful, or perfect, or a miracle. They describe it as if it were an antique vase or an extremely expensive cashmere cardigan. But let's get real here: Your vagina isn't all flower metaphors and soft New Age music — your vagina is cool as hell.
People speak of vaginas quietly and respectfully, as if they were a congresswoman giving a commencement speech at a particularly uptight college. But in reality, vaginas are more like the most intriguing guest at your dinner party, the one who spends the whole night regaling everyone with stories about the time she piloted a Cessna to Cuba with Johnny Depp. Your vagina can change her own tires and put on eyeliner without a mirror. Your vagina is cool. Super cool. She's the Fonz of bodily parts. If she were a person, you'd be desperate to be her friend.
So instead of talking about how your vagina is a unique magical flower, or using the phrase "exquisitely sensitive" (excuse me while I barf), let's talk about all the weirdest, coolest stuff your vagina is capable of doing. So put on your toughest-looking leather jacket, strap in, and let's all take a ride down the Badass Vagina Highway and discover why your vag makes every other bodily organ look like a total pussy.
Your Vagina Has Superhuman Strength
Have you ever really thought about the mechanics of giving birth? Like, really thought about how it works? If you haven't had a kid yourself, odds are you just know that a doctor yells "Push!, a baby comes out, and then Meredith Grey learns an important life lesson. But much of that "pushing" that gets a baby from Point A to Point Out in the World is actually done by the walls of your vagina, which are all muscle.
Your vaginal walls are made of contractile tissue tissue used to form muscle. That's why you can't get "loose," and it's also why you can make your vagina stronger through exercise (cue every vagina-haver reading this to start doing Kegels for five seconds, then forget about doing any for the next six months). That's how Tatyana Kozhevnikova came to hold the 2009 record for world's strongest vagina: after years of steady vaginal exercise, she was eventually able to lift a 31-pound weight with just her vaginal muscles. Really.
So, if you're still looking for a new year's resolution, there it is.
Your Vagina's Scent Holds Secret Codes
Though you may not do enough rabbit poses in yoga to get a consistent whiff of your lady bits every day, the scent of your vagina does change throughout the month. These scent changes are caused by fluctuations in your vagina's pH levels, levels which can change after you get your period, or if you happen to get some semen up in there. So if you've just had unprotected sexual intercourse with a penis, or just had your period, your vagina may have a different scent than it normally does. Other research suggests that your vaginal scent might change while ovulating, or while you're on the pill.
So basically, your vagina is communicating secrets via code all over the place! She's like Keira Knightley in The Imitation Game.
Your Vagina Is Its Own Toughest Protector
How come you never have to scrub out the inside of your vagina to keep it clean? Because your vagina keeps itself clean, baby. Your vagina maintains its own cleanliness through a complex collection of bacteria, tough little brawlers who will do anything to protect their turf: they help maintain pH balance to ensure that the vagina can fight infections; they produce naturally occurring antibiotics called bacteriocins that can kill any foreign bacteria that dares to wander into your vagina; and they produce substances that make it difficult for foreign bacteria to take hold on your vaginal walls.
So, basically, they're like a girl gang, protecting your vag. Have you thought about giving them a name? "The Pink Ladies" is a little on the nose, but I think it's a classic for a reason!
Side note: it should probably go without saying at this point, but you should never do anything to try to actually clean out your vagina, i.e. douching. Using douche will throw your vaginal bacteria out of whack, and quite possibly make you the proud of owner of a yeast infection.
Your Vagina Knows How To Take the Edge Off
Yeah, fine, your body releases endorphins in a lot of situations — after a good jog, while eating chocolate, while laughing during your 48th viewing of Pineapple Express (just me?). But there is no organ so consistently able to deliver the goods as your vag. And your vag has some good shizz on her hands (way better than those dumb "runner's high" endorphins).
Whether your orgasms come from your vagina, or her friendly neighbor the clit, orgasms can be relied on to dump endorphins into your bloodstream, as well as other hormones, which can make you feel content, relaxed, giddy, or just super stoked to eat some nachos and watch Broad City (just like another product that we can't recommend on the pages of a family-friendly website).
Your Vagina Can Bleed For a Week Straight Without Dying
The average woman expels one to two ounces of blood over the course of a week's menstruation, all while still going about her daily business of murdering crime bosses or attending her contemporary Russian lit seminar or what-have-you. That's a kind of power you can't buy (yes, assorted billionaire playboy superheroes, I am talking to you).
Your Vagina Has Mutant-Level Self-Healing Abilities
Ever notice how, when you get a paper cut (possibly while shredding yet another student loan bill into rageful confetti), that bastard of a wound is open for days; but if you bang up your vagina a little bit while banging, your cave of mysteries feels better in just a few hours? That's because your vagina is one of the most quick-healing areas of your body, and the occasional small superficial cut that intercourse can leave on your Agatha Christie will usually heal within a day or two. Even when vaginas are torn during childbirth, they can usually heal within a few weeks.
Am I saying that your vagina is basically Wolverine? Yes, I am basically saying that your vagina is Wolverine. You heard it here first! Now, what you do with that information is up to you (I'm not telling you to start a crime-fighting team based around vagina super powers... oh, wait, no, I totally am).
May the vagina be with you.
Images:Miramax / A Band Apart/ Super Cool ManChu/ Giphy (7)
