Party Like 'Vanderpump' — If That's Your Thing...

Guided tours exist for Sex and the City as well as Girls, but where is the guided TV tour for Vanderpump Rules? I mean, it's only the most horrendously entertaining reality show on Television right now. So good, in fact, that I've seriously contemplated buying a ticket to LA for the express purpose of a SUR pilgrimage to heckle Jax for being the worst person on Earth. (See how this show makes me do things I'm ashamed of out of rage and schadenfreude? ITS POWERS ARE BOUNDLESS!!) I guess it's up for us to make our own Vander-cation tour, right? For starters, where did the cast of Vanderpump Rules go in Miami for the bachelorette-bachelor party extravaganza?

Because you're reading this article in the first place, I can easily assume that you're dying to stand on the same hallowed ground where the SURvers have partied (perhaps too hard). If the crowd at any of these places is anything like the Vander-gang, the people watching opportunities will be tremendous. (As an aside, try not to judge yourself too harshly for this desire. Call this tour "research.") From their hotel digs, to their sloppy dinners, to the exact coordinates of their boat journey, I'm gonna walk you through all of it. (Well, maybe I didn't go so far as to chart their nautical coordinates, but I did the rest of it.) With that, allow me to map the gang's latest drunken group trip:

Hotel: Dream Hotel

This hotspot is a notorious Miami destination, (Lindsay Lohan LOVES it there!) and the party of Scheana Shay really lives up to the hotel's party hardy reputation. In addition to hanging their hats at this hotel, the gang spent a quiet night in at the beginning of the trip. JUST KIDDING! They got wasted in Scheana's suite and probably clogged a few toilets with vomit.

Joint dinner: Naked Taco

The gang breaks some extremely uncomfortable bread for their first meal in Miami at this Mexican restaurant. Then, some shots come along and make (slightly) less tense Thank God for tequila!

Boy's dinner: La Gloutonnerie

One of Mike Shay's apparent groomsmen DJ RyTek (a family name, perhaps?) on Instagram tagged a snap of the dudes enjoying their non-coed dinner at this South Beach brasserie. Hit this joint up, and you can say that you ACTUALLY SAT in the seat that Tom Sandoval laid out Jax for "railing a girl" in the hotel bathroom in San Diego. WORTH IT!

Clu(r)b outing: Rec Room

Thanks again to the diligent documentation of DJ RyTek, we see that Kristen and James have apparently brought FourLoko to the Rec Room. I'm guessing this is where the whole gaggle of geese goes to get publicly drunk in Part 2 of the bachelorette party.

Now, take this information, and do with it what you will.