The 8 Emotional Stages of Wearing a Bra

During my usual la-di-da Internet browse, I recently came across an article entitled "Seven Bra Myths Busted" and it completely caught my attention. (Because as a woman with breasts, I want to know these things!) I was shocked (and also relieved at times) to discover that there is no link between wearing a bra and getting breast cancer, between wearing a bra and keeping your breasts perkier, or between wearing a bra and keeping your breasts firmer. Wait — seriously? This is fantastically brilliant information! This should be world-wide news! Dear women everywhere, you are no longer bound to the constraints put upon you by the one we call "Brazier!" We should be taking off our bras and celebrating with a new bohemian way of life!

That's what I thought at first, but as ponder it all more, I can't really bring myself to believe that women around the world are suddenly going to stop wearing bras just because there's no proof they'll keep the girls perkier and firmer. Whilst it's nice to know that nature will "do its thing" no matter what we do, we also wear bras for reasons other than keeping the ta-tas looking their best — including support, aesthetics, the emotional stages of bra shopping and in some cases even comfort.

So... I can't help but think about how much of our lives are ruled by our breasts. And I'm not even talking about the male obsession with boobs, because that's a whole other story. I'm talking about our own, female obsession with breasts. Think about it: We have been pushing and strapping ourselves into bras now for generation after generation, with emphasis on the importance of bras only growing (look at how popular the lingerie industry is — hello Victoria's Secret Fashion Show). For the majority of us women, we wear a bra every single day (unless we're in a bathing suit or rocking the Kate Moss circa 1999 look), and we usually tend to suffer in silence. But on the inside, we are completely, utterly, and even sometimes intensely experiencing the eight emotional stages of wearing a bra.

1. THE DANGLE AND TRAP

This is the best way to capture wild things, and the first stage of bra wearing (if you put your bra on from the front, as I do). You know how it goes: You bend over, dangle your breasts above the cups of your bra, then pull your bra around your middle and strap it on (points if it only takes you one try to fully clasp it!), trapping your breasts inside the cups. Feeling like a prison guard is pretty standard.

2. PULL AND PLACE

You then have to pull your boobs up and place them properly in the cup, straighten the straps over your shoulders and get ready to go. But why aren't they even?!

3. THE SWITCHAROO

Err — OK, not quite ready to go after all. As it happens, you're wearing a lacy bra that is distractedly showing under your shirt, or perhaps your bra-straps are poking out from beneath. No matter, just switch into a different bra and repeat the first two stages.

4. THE HAPPY MEDIUM

Your bra feels snug but secure and, so far, pretty comfortable. Now you're ready for the day! Will this feeling last?

5. THE PINCH AND POKE

The day has gone pretty easy-breezy thus far, until you get that one pinch that starts it all: Suddenly, your bra starts digging underneath your breasts and the underwire pokes at your side-boob constantly.

6. THE DEATH GRIP

You can't take it anymore! Every movement is pain. You just want to be free from the agonizing grip of this damned thing already.

7. THE SNAP AND RELEASE

Unsnap that vice of death and release your girls free into the world! You feel the pain and the pleasure of relief all flooding into you at once.

8. CRY FREEDOM

Bask blissfully in the no-bra aftermath that is being "in for the night."

Images: Fotolia; Giphy