'The Voice' Is All a Lie

Last night, The Voice took home the 2013 Emmy for Outstanding Reality Competition program, and tonight, The Voice Season 5 premiere airs on NBC. Coaches Blake Shelton, Christina Aguilera, Cee Lo Green, and Adam Levine return to those red chairs left over from the Austin Powers set to find America's undiscovered vocal talent. But, we all know that's kind of a lie. The Voice is one giant falsehood, and it's time we accept it for what it is.

And what it is, exactly, is nothing more than a vehicle to get to know celebrities. It's not about the contestants whatsoever! Sure, they have good voices, and yeah, it's cute that their families jump around in the green room with Carson Daly, but they're not the nation's next greatest voice. They're nothing more than flashes in the pan, really.

Because whenever you start talking about the show, you don't bring up Voice winners Javier Colon, Jermaine Paul, Cassadee Pope, or Danielle Bradbury. You talk about the Adam/ Blake bromance, or discuss whether or not that tension between Adam and Christina is sexual, or just good old fashioned dislike, and yeah, you still talk about how Usher sat in his chair last season (god his knee was obnoxious, wasn't it?).

The show's winners, let alone contestants, never enter the conversation because, well, no one gives a shit. And NBC knows that, and so do the coaches. It's all about them. In fact, The Voice was actually pitched to the network with the name A-List Celebs in Spinny Chairs, Whee! but NBC decided to go with something a little more vague.

So, if you want, you can pretend to be thrilled about talent on this season's show. One of the trailers shows Matthew Schuler performing Young the Giant's "Cough Syrup," and he's so good all the judges turn their chairs around in four seconds flat... but all you'll remember after watching the clip is that Adam looks like a cat on top of his chair and that Christina looks like she's lost a lot of weight. Those will be your takeaways, guaranteed. Oh, that, and the fact that it looks like Cee Lo has a new head tattoo.

But there's no need to watch The Voice under false pretenses. Embrace the celebritiness of it all. Cher, Ed Sheeran, One Republic's Ryan Tedder, and Miguel will guest star on the star-studded show, and I'll eat my fascinator if there aren't even more celebs who pop by to "offer advice." Don't feel bad that you have no idea what all these "rounds" are for, and don't fret over learning the singers names.

The Celebrity Coaches, er, I mean, The Voice airs tonight at 8 p.m. on NBC.