There's just something about the food at Chipotle. Something that makes us wait in long lines for it; something that makes us plan our days around acquiring it; something that makes us strategize about the best way to purchase it, and defend it as "kinda healthy" — even though we are all aware that the average Chipotle burrito contains enough fat to give a majestic American bison a heart attack. None of that matters. None of it. We are in love, and if the world doesn't understand it, that's the world's problem, not ours!
Why do we love Chipotle so? Is it their smarty-pants soda cups with writing from Toni Morrison on them? Is it because of all those sad, indie-branded commercials they're always running? Is it because if you ask them very nicely, they'll make you a burrito stuffed inside a quesadilla? Nah. It's because they've finally provided the average American with something that we didn't know we needed, but now can't live without: a clean, well-lit, convenient place where we can gather together and eat cheese and beans and carbs until we feel physically ill. It's so simple, it's tough to believe that it took this long to figure it out. But thank barbacoa that someone finally did.
And so, in honor of your passionate love affair with Chipotle — which, let's admit, is the most stable relationship in your entire life — here are the 13 thoughts that go through your mind as you wait on line for that sweet, sweet wad of carbs.
1. I Am Totally Not Going to Chipotle Today. I Am Going to Go to the Salad Place Instead.
I am not going to Chipotle today. I went yesterday. The healthiest option on their menu is like 87 percent sour cream. Also, let's not front, I would definitely not get the healthiest option on the menu if I went in there. Nope, I am gonna just walk on by to the sad salad place next door, the one where all the lettuce is wilted, and all the dressing basically tastes like mayonnaise.
2. Fine, I Am Going to Chipotle Today, But At Least I Am Going to Get the Salad.
You know, if I go to Chipotle and get the salad, it's probably healthier than the salad from the salad place. I mean, Chipotle has more turnover, so their lettuce is probably fresher! Plus, they were endorsed by Fiona Apple, right? Why would she lead me astray regarding lunch options? What could she possibly stand to gain from doing that??
3. Who Are All These People on This Enormous Line?
Seriously? Who are they? I didn't even think this many people worked in this neighborhood, let alone worked in this neighborhood and wanted to eat carnitas at 1 p.m.. They can't all possibly want Chipotle badly enough to wait in this line. I can't possibly want Chipotle enough to wait in this line. I'm giving it thirty seconds, and if it doesn't start moving, I'm gone. I'm not gonna wait in a line for twenty minutes for a frickin' burr — I mean, a SALAD.
4. The Line Seems Like It's Moving Though, Right?
I bet this line just looks really bad, but will move quickly. I mean, I moved three inches ahead already in the past two minutes. They have a system figured out here. I bet I'll be ordering two minutes from now.
5. I've Been Waiting in Line for 12 Minutes and Am Still Not At the Front!
But I'm in this too deep, I can't back out now. Never surrender!
6. Alright, I Am Going to Get the Burrito Bowl.
I didn't make it through all that waiting just to eat some lettuce, damn it. I mean, who puts salsa on lettuce, even? That's disgusting. That's a 5th grade sleepover party dare, not an adult lunch.
7. Screw It, I'm Getting the Burrito.
Maybe I wouldn't have had to if they could MANAGE THEIR LINE SITUATION, but I was waiting for roughly 100,000 hours, and now I am extremely hungry. Let's get this burrito show on the burrito road!
8. Oh My God, Who Is This Jag-Off Ahead of Me Who Doesn't Understand How to Order?
Have you never been here before? Why are you asking so many questions? Don't you understand the protocol? Strict adherence to the Chipotle Ordering Protocol is the only thing that prevents lunch here from disintegrating into some full-on Lord of the Flies shizz, okay? Honor the protocol! Oh Jesus, are you asking them to make you a quesadilla? It's like you're specifically trying to hurt me.
9. It's Finally My Turn to Order!
Take all of the food inside all of your steamer trays, and deposit it directly into my tortilla.
10. Yes, I Know the Guacamole Is Extra.
This isn't my first time at this rodeo, alright? Not like my "good buddy" Quesadilla Face over there.
11. No, Don't Pack It Too Tightly! The Tortilla is Gonna Rip!
Argh, it's gonna get all over the plastic basket and I'm going to have to eat it with a fork and for some reason, it's going to be really depressing. A burst burrito is like a culinary reminder that our plans to have it all in life almost never work out. Plus, when you actually look at how much sour cream is in there, it is kinda gross.
12. Oh, Do I Want Chips?
Do I want chips? Uh, does a bear poop in the woods? Is the Pope Catholic? Does Johnny Depp seem like the kind of "cool dad" who desperately wants to tell you about how he takes his Harley up to Lake Tahoe on the weekend to just "think about life"? OF COURSE I WANT CHIPS.
13. Finally, My Order is Ready!
I would like to thank all the people who made this burrito possible, and all the people in my office who are going to have to deal with how bloated and gassy I am for the rest of the day. I couldn't have done this without you!
And now, to fill my water cup with Diet Coke.
