If you have a soul, you've seen the Yule Log. But have you ever tried to play a Yule Log drinking game? If you haven't, now is the time. The Yule Log has provided endless entertainment and inner warmth to homes that have no fireplace since 1966 — or perhaps you have a fireplace, but you're just too lazy. The Yule Log doesn't care, nor does it judge your mood on Christmas. It just wants you to sit down, chill out, and listen to some sweet, sweet instrumental music. And you know what makes that even better? Alcohol.
If you're still not sold, check out the Yule Log's official page. Yes, ladies and gentleman — this log has web smarts. While the page looks like something created in Angelfire, and gives thorough advice not to proceed with a dial-up connection, the fact that it was created and maintained by ultimate Yule Log superfan Lawrence "Chip" Arcuri is pretty damn incredible.
If you've never witnessed the beauty of the Yule Log, be prepared to have the awesomeness make your brain explode. Thanks to our friend the Internet, Fireplace For Your Home is available on streaming. While it might not be the same exact log made famous in Yule Log, nor the same program whatsoever, it's a pretty decent competitor. What's better than a video of a log on fire? A video of a log on fire that you can watch whenever you freaking want to.
Know what else is great? Alcohol. Chances are, the venue of your Christmas celebration will be stocked for the celebration. What better occasion to lose total control of yourself and your emotions than during a Yule Log viewing? So, find your dad's remote, pop on Fireplace For Your Home, and get ready.
Note: Of course, be an adult and use extreme caution and common sense. I don't want to hear about any Yule-Log-related hospital visits. Or any hospital visits at all, really.
Items Required: Beer, Liquor, Shot Glasses, A Timer, A Strong Tolerance, Your Dignity
Phase One: "Warming Up" Around The Yule Log (15 Minutes)
The first person to announce the full, correct name of the instrumental song playing gets to refrain from taking one deep chug of a beer.
The song must be the correct full title, and Wikipedia is available for use during a challenge. Upon getting the song name wrong, the person who blatantly shouted out the incorrect answer must take a "penalty" shot. This rule continues throughout the duration of the program, and it's important to keep an ear out — the Yule Log mixes up sweet jams quickly, like a club DJ.
Anyone forced to drink the beer can fight for second chance immunity from this challenge by correctly identifying the composer of the song in question. However, this isn't likely to happen, because nobody knows that crap.
Everyone must chug half of a beer when the screen subtitle is [CRACKLING].
Yes, this happens occasionally, as if we'd forget what a fire sounds like. Take two shots if you see any of these other totally possible adverbs and specifics describing the scene: [BURNING], [RED HOT], [POPPIN'] or [BEIN' ROMANTIC].
Phase Two: Yule Be Sorry (30 Minutes)
By now, you might be feeling a little tipsy. All of the gameplay in Phase One is still active, so you might want to pause between phases to get some water.
Take one shot every time someone over the age of 45 who isn't playing, asks you "What the hell are you watching?" Take two shots if they follow that up with, "Why are you so loud while watching a program about a fireplace?"
Players can gain second chance immunity by stating two facts about the original broadcast of the Yule Log. If this is completed and deemed accurate by everyone else in the room, and the 45+ citizen actually seems impressed, that player can gain official control of the game. Permission for people to refer to him or her as "Yule Log Champion" is officially granted.
Take one shot every time someone under the age of 16 walks in and utters the phrase, "I wish we had a real fireplace." The group must respond in silence — not to shun the young mind, but to silently think about how he or she is too oblivious to appreciate the wonders that Yule Log brings to households worldwide.
If other participants aren't around (as in, this isn't being played during a family party), take one shot after a group member accidentally utters the phrase "So, does this fire actually do anything?"
Phase Three: The Fireplace Finale (15 Minutes)
As usual, all of the rules above still apply. Here's what the last 15 minutes will contain.
Take a sip of beer every time you, personally, feel like the Yule Log looks like it's computer animated. Between the drinking and the fact that you've stared at it for almost an hour, your eyes just might start playing tricks on you. For the record, Fireplace For Your Home is not a Pixar presentation.
Take a sip of beer every time you personally feel like a log might be falling out of the TV fireplace.
Take a sip of beer every time a friend makes a Yule Log-related joke that he or she honestly thinks is funny. We get it, "wood" can stand for a lot of things. In order to drink, the friend needs to expect genuine laughs in response. As with this entire game, use your best judgment.
Have a very Merry Christmas, and remember to stay safe this holiday season — real fireplace or not.
Images: Sarah Murray/Flickr; Lawrence "Chip" Arcuri; Giphy
