Today I passed a billboard that spoke to me on a primal level. It said, "It would take over 300 cups of coffee for the average person to overdose on caffeine." And while I'm assuming it's partially because your bladder would burst and kill you long before the OD had a chance to happen, I am also taking this scientific nugget as validation of the coffee habit that (let's be real) I was never planning on kicking anyway. I'm pretty sure I would shave my eyebrows faster than I would give up coffee. (You can buy eyebrows. You cannot buy the kind of sanity that only comes from coffee.)
What is partially to blame, I am sure, is my upbringing in Seattle, notorious home of Starbucks and one of the most coffee-addicted cities in the world. Although the seven years I spent there were B.C. (before coffee), I think that the mere presence of coffee, its smell constantly lingering in the air, and the companionship of established coffee addicts served as the gateway to the dependency on caffeine I so proudly flaunt today. Hey, the news isn't all bad: coffee actually has health benefits (which you probably already knew, and have ready to in a PowerPoint slide for when your friends inevitably throw a How I Met Your Mother-style intervention about your coffee drinking). But what probably isn't so healthy is all the things I would be willing to give up for it:
1. Kesha's discography
2. Chinese delivery
3. The right to name my first child
4. Texting
5. This YouTube video of a baby laughing about ripped paper
6. The ability to wiggle my ears
7. Christmas presents (unless, of course, the present is coffee)
8. Tinder
9. Planning fake vacations
10. The Friends episodes about to hit Netflix
HEAR ME OUT: Friends would literally be no fun if you had to watch them drink coffee knowing you couldn't.
11. Stalking crushes on social media
12. Touching my own boobs
13. Being smug about grammar
14. My parents' Hulu Plus password
15. Making fun of people on reality television shows
16. A year of my own life
17. Cussing at other drivers
18. My ability to digest vegetables.
What was I really doing with it anyway?
19. Two-ply toilet paper
20. Getting licked by overly eager puppies
21. Following teen celebrities on Instagram
SO MUCH SPECULATION SO LITTLE TIME.
22. Panera bread bowls
23. Two inches off my height
24. My oh-so-clever Tumblr username(s)
25. The several-years-old recording of Legally Blonde the Musical on the DVR
26. Memories of my sophomore year of high school
Did anything of note happen to anyone in that year?
27. Cake balls
28. Spoons
(You think I won't eat soup with a fork? Try me.)
29. Chairs that spin
30. The ability to shave my legs
Actually this wouldn't be too much of a lifestyle change anyway.
31. Exaggerating stories for effect
32. Oxygen
33. Most humans I know
34. ...OK, everything. I would give up EVERYTHING for coffee.
Images: Fotolia; Giphy (9)
