Entertainment
How Big Is Stanley's Penis on 'AHS: Freak Show'? Here Are 23 Objects That Also Boast a Full 13 Inches
Stanley's large penis is a thing of wonder on American Horror Story: Freak Show. Since we shouldn't be expecting to catch a glimpse of it anytime soon, inquiring minds want to know: how big is Stanley's penis? According to co-creator of AHS, Ryan Murphy, Stanley's penis is 13-inches long. Now, Stanley is an evil character and wields his man stick to gain power (like when he attempted to lure Dell in "Tupperware Massacre Party"), so although I do not want to reward him for his genetic fate, I can't help but be curious.
So in the name of science, I have taken it upon myself to help viewers really grasp the concept of how large a 13-inch penis is (I'm just gonna assume y'all haven't seen one in person). Of course, actually having a 13-inch penis would be no joke, but here are 23 objects to help you visualize what Stanley has hiding in his pants.
Image: Frank Ockenfels/FX
This Fruit Zester
This fruit zester’s extra-long 13-inch blade sure could lend a hand in the kitchen. Zesty!
Image: Amazon.com
LeBron James's Foot
Famous basketball player LeBron James wears a size 16 shoe — which is the equivalent of 12 and 11/16 inches. I wonder how good Stanley is with a ball.
A Red Fox's Tail
The length of a red fox’s tail ranges from 12 to 21.75 inches, according to National Geographic. What does the fox say, indeed.
A Wee Smaller Than This 'Frozen' Recorder
Imagine putting this 13.5-incher to your lips and letting it go.
Image: Amazon.com
This Casserole Dish
This 13-inch lasagna dish can satisfy all of your baking needs.
Image: Overstock.com
The Average Man's Biceps
The average man’s biceps from the age of 21-29 measure 13.1 inches around. And that’s something Stanley can truly appreciate.
A Baby Timber Rattlesnake
Baby timber rattlesnakes are usually about 10 to 13 inches long — so a large baby rattlesnake is the same size as Stanley’s one-eyed trouser snake. (Nailed it!)
A 13-inch Macbook
As I write this on my Macbook Pro, I can’t help but envision Stanley’s penis flopped diagonally across the 13.3-inch screen. I’m sure that’s what Apple had intended.
A Domino's Artisan Pizza
Domino’s Artisan rectangular pizzas measure 13 inches by 9 inches. The pizzas serve two people — but those 13 inches still look like quite a mouthful.
Image: Dominos/Facebook
A Bit Smaller Than a Champagne Bottle
A magnum bottle of champagne holds a liter and a half of liquid and stands 14 inches tall. I’ll drink to that!
And A Hair Shorter Than an Ancient Whale Tooth
The fossilized skull of a colossal ancient whale was discovered in 2010. And the most noteworthy thing about it? It’s teeth were over 36 centimeters long — that’s 14.17 inches!! Imagine those bad boys coming toward your face.
But Bigger Than a Unicorn Horn
Stanley’s penis is 2 inches hornier than this 11-inch inflatable unicorn horn.
Image: Archie McPhee
And Bigger Than These Subs
Stanley’s dong is just a bit bigger than the sandwiches formerly known as the five-dollar footlong.
Image: Subway/Facebook
Edward Scissorhands' Hands
OK, I may not have any facts to back this up, but it sure looks like Edward Scissorhands’s scissor hands are about 13 inches long, amiright?
Image: Twentieth Century Fox
Bigger Than A Moth's Wingspan
Along with Stanley’s penis, I never want to see the White Witch Moth in person since it’s wingspan can be 12.2 inches long.
This Ron Burgundy Figurine
This talking figurine of the Anchorman himself is 13 inches tall. Ron Burgundy would be proud.
Image: Amazon.com
Stands Taller Than A Pineapple
Pineapple fruit can grow to be up to 12 inches tall. And like penises, they may be scary on the outside, but they can make for a delicious snack.
Just a Bit Shorter Than the Oscar Statutette
That’s right, folks. The most coveted award in all cinema — the Academy Award’s Oscar statuette — stands 13.5 inches tall. Just imagine Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto holding onto Stanley’s statue.
This Toilet Seat Decal
This toilet seat decal makes your throne legitimately royal and measures 12 inches x 13 1/2 inches. Peeing in a toilet that has a seat as long as his penis must be a real treat for ol’ Stanley.
Image: Sears
A Guinness Beer Tap
The tap that you pull on to deliver a delicious, thick, liquid elixir measures just over 12 inches long. And just to be clear here, the delicious, thick, liquid elixir is… Guinness obviously. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Snape's Wand
The wand isn’t a euphemism here — Stanley’s penis is just actually .25 inches shy of Professor Snape’s Collectible Hero Wand. (Harry Potter’s wand is 14 inches though… just saying.)
Image: Warner Bros. Entertainment
Bigger Than The Corkcicle
This 12-inch wine chiller can cool your wine down on those hot, Florida nights. Meow!
Image: Amazon.com
But Exactly the Same Size as Santa
This 13-inch-tall Santa Claus doll has the exact opposite problem of Stanley. Ho ho ho!
Image: Amazon.com
