While most celebrities, especially actors, were most likely theater kids in high school, they were also probably just as multi-faceted as us plebeians once upon a time. And by “multi-faceted” I really mean “self-involved and dominated by hormones, because naturally,” since let’s face it: we were all terrible version of ourselves when we were in high school. We all just wanted find our own tribe, our people who understood us, and loved us for exactly who we were (not that we really knew who we were yet). We wanted epic first kisses, so we practiced on our pillows and that plump spot between our thumb and index finger. We wanted our crushes to leave meaningful entries in our yearbook, and we were afraid of being virgins forever. Above all, we were so, so angsty and judgmental.
But instead of imagining what celebrities were like in high school, let’s think about who they would be now. Which gross stereotype they would fit based on their personality, and their public persona. Would we hate this celebrity if they went to school with us? Would we love them, or envy them? Would we still want to have sex with them, or would they just be a normal, unremarkable face in the crowded halls? So, pretend you’re 15 again, and get yourself mentally prepared to throw shade at the high school archetype your favorite celeb would embody:
Taylor Swift would be...The transfer student from a ritzy, secluded town from the Southwest
Who does this girl think she is, coming to school wearing riding boots and red lipstick from Nordstrom? Is she really driving a brand new Volvo? Ugh to it all.
Angelina Jolie would be...The hot senior who’s club president of everything, who everyone secretly describes as “a crazy bitch”
I am 100 percent against calling women “crazy bitches,” but Teenage Gina probably would have used the term because Teenage Gina sucked. Plus, you just know that Angelina, under that angelic and greater-than-thou guise, can be a total wild card who can go from Mommy Mode to Sex Monster in like two seconds flat.
Jason Biggs would be...The dorky theater major who finally hit puberty junior year and suddenly started having massive amounts of sex
Jason Biggs is the high schooler who used to be painfully uncool. He probably collected Pokémon cards and asked his mom to make him Bagel Bites after school every single day. But all it took was one fruitful summer of growth, and the entire high school lady population was his.
Lupita Nyong'o would be...The girl who got a 5 on the AP Calc test as a sophomore, is starring in the school's production of Romeo and Juliet, knows Latin, and has been prematurely accepted into Harvard even though she's only a sophomore
She’s the perfect girl you want to hate but can’t because she’s also the world’s nicest, genuinely awesome person ever.
Shailene Woodley would be...The club president of the environmental and vegetarian club, the girl who only wears hemp tank tops from Urban Outfitters
She has Sharpie-drawn peace signs on her binder and sometimes has opinions about GMOs and sustainable farming. All of her school projects somehow always revolve around the fact that she and her family have a garden. Her go-to phrase is "that's chill."
Seth Rogen would be...The captain of the comedy team who you sometimes have weird sex dreams about
He’s pudgy but in that sexy way, and his Star Wars jokes make you feel kind of hot and tingly in your pants.
Mindy Kaling would be...your beautifully un-cool best friend
If you had pick someone you knew would always stay kind of innocent forever, it would be Mindy. She’s the one who would organize bowling night, sleepovers, and call your mom “Mister and Missus” even though they’ve told her a thousand times to just go by “Joe and Sheryl.”
Chris Pratt would be...The genuinely nice guy who will take notes for you when you’re sick, and let you borrow a pen without even asking for it back
He’s so nice and respectful of everyone, he might as well be an alien.
Christian Bale would be...The guy with a coke addiction at age 17
He’s been sent to rehab like twice already, and once he got sent to the principal's office for calling the history teacher the C-word.
Nicole Richie would be...The girl who chain smokes Camel lights in the bathroom while talking shit about somebody’s penis
Rumor has it, she throws parties at her parent's vacation house every weekend and has access to really good molly.
Johnny Depp would be...The guy who only has to blow a smoke ring in order to get laid
Johnny Depp would be the beautiful stoner, always on the couch at every high school party, and always in the middle of some convoluted story about walking through the woods and his spirituality.
Lena Dunham would be...The girl in your honors English class who starts every single sentence with “you guys!” and perpetually has her hand raised
She would be the one to start a film and poetry hybrid club where she and six other students meet at her parent's loft and discuss Miranda July.
James Franco would be...everyone's ex-boyfriend
If you sleep with him, he might insist that you borrow his copy of Catcher in the Rye because it symbolizes the "crux of humanity."
Will Smith would be...everyone's pretend boyfriend
Will Smith would be the kind of guy who is friends with every single girl at school but will never date them because no one will ever be Jada Smith. No one.
Images: Getty Images; Giphy (14)
