In the interest of honesty, and because this confession is both relevant and timely to the upcoming release of the new Star Wars movie, I will tell you all this truth: my first crush was Anakin in The Phantom Menace. No, not the kid who played him, but the fictional character himself (which gives you some insight to where my sad fangirl tendencies began). I can remember the very moment it started. At 7-years-old, I thought I was a badass and a half because my parents let me subscribe to Nickelodeon Magazine, and when the first one arrived in the mail (with my NAME on it!!), Anakin Skywalker's face was on the front and my heart would never be the same. It was my first awkward crush, and little did I know then that it was only the beginning of so many more.
I say "awkward crush" not because the crushes that I've had in the past are awkward (there is nothing "awkward" about having feelings for another human being), but because I am an awkward person. And not in the cutesy cliché way like "haha she's such a klutz" or "your laugh is so weird and adorable" way, I mean in the deer-in-headlights, did-I-just-accidentally-cuss-in-front-of-children-again, MY-STRAPLESS-BRA-JUST-SLID-OFF-DURING-A-LIVE-PERFORMANCE way.
As you can imagine, this complicates the whole idea of crushing on someone. It is not graceful. It is not cute. But at least the things awkward people do when they have crushes keep things interesting:
Accidentally Combining Words That Should Never Be Combined
The struggle is real. I think part of it is that you're always trying to impress your crush by using all the clever words you know, and when your brain can't make a final decision before all your super smart words reach your mouth, you're doomed to say things like "flurk" until your crush genuinely wonders if you're speaking in another language.
Not Knowing Whether Something Is A Date Or Not
Your crush asked you out! But it's for coffee. They tried to pay! But friends do that for friends, too. They picked an intimate seat by the window! And started talking about taxes. WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!
Digging Up Your Crush's Long Buried Tumblr/Livejournal/MySpace Account
According to the law of internet, we all had one at some point (if we don't still have one). And while stalking people's social media is totally run of the mill behavior these days, you take it to the "awkward" level when you're reading your crush's angst-filled diary entry from 2006 that has Simple Plan's "I'm Just A Kid" looping in the background.
Rehearsing Every Potential Conversation You Might Have With Them
Political beliefs? Rehearsed. Your taste in music? Rehearsed. Your crush asking you, "Hey, how are you?" PANIC PANIC, I FORGOT TO PREPARE FOR THIS, SHUT EVERYTHING DOWN.
Casually Having A Very Loud Conversation About A TV Show You Think They Like
"I LOVE WHEN GAME OF THRONES HAS ALL THOSE DRAGONS ON IT," you semi-yelled at your poor, unsuspecting friend while your crush studied quietly in the corner.
Accidentally Revealing The Extent You Have Stalked Them
"Oh, hey, this is my brother Steve," said your crush.
"I know."
*awkward silence that goes on for days*
Creating A Character On The Sims That Happens To Have An Uncanny Resemblance To Them
And then building a fictional life with them where you “woohoo” as frequently as possible. (What? It's not like you're going to work up the nerve to talk to them in real life, might as well fictionally enjoy yourself while you can).
Completely Over/Underestimating The Amount Of Eye Contact Necessary For Flirting
Any time I have ever tried to send subtle signals through my eyes, the person either looks away too fast or stares way too long to the point where they either think I'm mad at them, or that I'm really, really mad at them and about to burn down their house.
Pretending To Know Things About Things You Don't Know Anything About
I once had a very long conversation about the plight of a particular famous saxophonist. I still to this day have never heard of outside of that one time a guy I liked mentioned him. But damn it all if I didn't commit in that awkward crush moment.
Mashing Your Face With Theirs On A Fake Baby Making Website
The times I did this in high school I made such frightening babies it was almost enough to cure me of the crush completely. "How can a baby be frightening?" you are maybe wondering. Facial hair. Full-grown adult teeth with braces. Need I go on?
Not Being Able To Control Your Entire Face And Possibly Neck, Shoulder, And Back Area From Turning Bright Red When They Walk In
I had it so bad once that someone I was crushing on thought I had been crying. And as mortally humiliating as it was, he talked to me. Life had never been so terrigreat (I'm telling you, the awkward word-mixing can't be stopped once you enter crush-dom).
Every Conversation You Initiate Is In A Voice Several Octaves Higher Than Your Normal One
"Did you have a good weekend???" *Cue every piece of glass in the room shattering*
You Are Physically Pained By Even The Slightest Of Silences In Conversation
Especially when you've been basking in the glow of their temporary attention and then you're like, "WAIT, I can think of another semi-intelligent thing to say, DON'T LEAVE YET."
Literally Every Mutual Friend The Two Of You Have Knows You're Crushing
Because you're about as subtle as a car backfiring. GO TEAM AWKWARD.
Images: NBC; Giphy (5); Wifflegiff (9)
