Ranking The 'Jurassic World' Dinosaurs

The park is open. After the very briefest of teases last over the weekend, the full Jurassic World trailer has been released unto the world. Let us take a moment to give thanks to the universe for this gift. Jurassic Park is back, y'all. And it's all about humanity's inability to remember that a theme park full of dinosaurs is a really bad idea.

Bless humanity's terrible ideas. As the Jurassic World trailer showcases, this time around those terrible ideas will be confronted by Chris Pratt's Owen (alert: Hot Guy name), a scientist studying velociraptor behavior. He's brought in to help out once a giant franken-dino created by Bryce Dallas Howard and some other ill-advised scientists escapes from its pen. Chaos, as is tradition, ensues.

This trailer is a relief after that puny little teaser we got before, so let's get down to the most important non-Chris Pratt part: These freaking dinosaurs. They demand to be gazed at, because hey, Jeff Goldblum's snark and glistening upper body may be a memorable part of those first movies, but so were those freaking dinosaurs. Their legacy, in fact, lives until this very day, confusing Internet bystanders into thinking Steven Spielberg goes around poaching today's definitely-real modern dinos.

Get in losers, we're going dinosaur ranking.

7. The dino blood inside this amber-bound mosquito

I mean, it barely counts. STEP IT UP.

6. These dino eggs

Pffft, please.

5. These stegosauruses

I can get down with these, they seem pretty chill. Cuties.

4. These dudes*

They seem fun!

*Technically ladies.

3. LONGNECKS

Look, I grew up on The Land Before Time, I have some pretty hardcore loyalty to the diplodocus. They are, you could say, my favorite. I have shed many a tear over Littlefoot and his mom.

Plus it just looks like it'd be really fun to ride one.

2. Franken-dino

This thing's gonna eff some shizz up. I'm deducting points because it looks like it's trying to hurt Chris Pratt, and that's unacceptable.

1. THIS THING

Look, I know that there's a gigantic genetically-modifid dinosaur wreaking havoc over everything in here. But it doesn't get to be number one. BECAUSE LOOK AT THIS THING.

IT'S SO COOL.

I mean, we coulda stopped Sharknado in a second with these guys.

UPDATE: I DID NOT PREVIOUSLY CATCH CHRIS PRATT'S RAPTOR BIKE GANG

This wins.

Images: Universal Pictures/Youtube