Thanksgiving is a time to inhale extraordinary amounts of food over the course of five hours and then blame all the tryptophan for your 4PM nap and general Thanksgiving zombieness (FYI, chicken has more tryptophan than turkey, so whatever). It’s also a time to go online and show thanks to everything and everyone you love and find important, because as we all know, if you don’t write a Facebook status about something, it's not even real. This week, if you don't share your thanks via social media, are you really even all that thankful?
Since we are children of the Internet, it’s very common to see status upon status which illustrate our core desire to either humblebrag, or show America what’s up in terms of its ongoing celebration of imperialism (after all, Thanksgiving is a warm and fuzzy misrepresentation of the way we “befriended” Native Americans by killing them and stealing their land, but that’s a major bummer we largely choose to ignore).
And I’m not saying people's Thanksgiving Facebook statuses aren't sincere—I'm sure they are. I think a lot of us are very grateful and very blessed and truly thankful for the life we have, and that’s a wonderful thing. But when we take to Facebook to publicly thank the universe for our charmed lives and successes, are we being unnecessarily braggy? Probably.
Here are 13 Facebook statuses you’ll most likely see on your feed this week. “Like” at your discretion:
"I am so #grateful for my perfect life!"
Oh, this one. It’s so annoyingly optimistic, because let’s be real: no one has a perfect life unless you are Beyoncé, and I’m sure even Beyoncé has some bad days (like when she had those terrible baby bangs, or when people called her out for her “Anna Mae” lyrics). Like, let’s not be hyperbolic here.
"FOOD COMAAAAAAA"
We get it. You ate like a cauldron of mashed potatoes and gravy. Cool story, bruh.
"I am just so #blessed *tear*"
I’m sure you are.
"My mom’s pumpkin pie > your mom’s pumpkin pie"
My mom might have won a pie-making award for all you know (she hasn’t, but you didn't know that). Let’s not compare our mothers and their baking skills on social media, OK? That’s like, slightly too aggressive for me.
"So thankful I get to spend Thanksgiving in Hawaii. Like how lucky is that?"
This will come from the person who takes pictures on their business trip and brags how their company paid for their five-star hotel and filet mignon business dinners. *Massive eye-roll*
"So lucky to live in this beautiful country. God bless America."
This status is probably crafted by your enthusiastically Republican cousin who owns several guns and dutifully changes her seasonal house flag every three months.
"By eating green bean casserole, you're contributing to the massacre of thousands of Native Americans and ruthless slaughtering of their culture. Thanksgiving? More like NOTHANKSgiving." (Also, obligatory Wednesday Addams gif)
While this is very, very true, I’m still going to violently stuff my face with stuffing and mushy green beans like there is no tomorrow.
"Thanksgiving is the best holiday, ever"
This is the honest-to-god truth though.
"I just, like, ate for ten hours straight LOL"
OK, you probably didn’t eat for ten hours straight, but if you did, I seriously applaud you because that takes work and dedication and proper stomach lining yoga.
*Posts picture of dinner table*
Yeah, yeah, it’s beautiful, and you probably have matching napkins and silverware that’s not from Target, and you made cute DIY paper turkeys and name tags because you’re a real grown-up, and no, I’m not impressed and jealous, why would you say that?!
"~*~Be thankful for everything and be happy~*~"
There will always be that one person who thinks it's their civic duty to spread the love and care and gratitude. But you know what? You can't tell me what to do! You don’t know me! I can be whatever I want, whenever I want!
"When you guys are done with your turkey stuff, let’s get crunk"
Realistically, no one is going out after Thanksgiving because the thought of getting wasted on top of the endless meat and wine you just fiercely injected into your body sounds like the worst idea, ever. But someone will still try to coax their friends to come out because they can't stop / won't stop.
"Go football team I'm rooting for!"
The terrible combination of turkey dinner and football has withstood the test of time, so I guess that's pretty impressive. I have to hand it to you America—you're pretty tenacious.
Images: atl10trader/Flickr; Giphy(6)
