There is a dark and insidious force at work in Hollywood people, and it's snatching our people up, so hide ya kids, hide your celebrity crushes, because the mustache is invading faces up in here. Seriously. With Ryan Kwanten now rocking the pedo-next-door look, it's hard not to notice the sickening trend at play here — the sinister mustache is taking over.
Because honestly, the mustache has been killing ladyboners since pretty much the start of time, and it's now stolen another face from our collective mental wank banks. This is a step too far — losing Jude Law, George Clooney, James Franco and Orlando Bloom to terrible mustaches was bad enough — now we've had to give up Jason Stackhouse too? Will the mustache carnage never cease?
Is there some unspoken induction into the Hollywood Hall Of Hot that involves looking like a reedy librarian for a certain amount of time? Maybe it's a test of will? I'm seeing shadowy meetings and monks who only wear perfectly fitted Armani suits chanting as they instill lessons about beauty, washboard abs, and having mustaches in their celebrity believers. They chant, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" as a group as one leans in and whispers ever so softly, "you can totally pull off that Hitler-stache Franco, don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
Because if the above scenario isn't the cause of the mustache madness, well, then I'm really at the end of my rope. There is no rhyme or reason to this mustache takeover, seriously people, they make people's mouths look like vaginas. And it's not so much the question of "who has had a mustache" these days, more who hasn't. Liev Schreiber had a mustache and goddammit, Liev is usually a classy-ass guy, I just can't wrap my head around this bizarre desire to make your upper lip look pubic. Just say no.
So please. Ryan Kwanten, we know you cut your hair for that monk role, and that's perfectly understandable. But the 'stache? It's gotta go. Who does it benefit for you to look like a 14-year-old who just discovered the gym and body hair? No one. That's who. End this mustache madness, and end it now, once and for all.
