To give you an idea of how much I value my sleep, I love it almost as much as I love cheese. I think people have this very backwards notion that because I am a morning person, I'm totally fine to lose a few winks, but the truth is I'm a total loser and I'm usually in bed by the time most socially savvy people are leaving their houses for the bar. It's been this way my whole life: I conked out at every childhood sleepover, I peaced out of every college shindig early, and I have an emergency pair of earplugs with me at all times so I can fall asleep wherever I damn well please. Cinderella stayed out longer than I do and she didn't even have any experience partying.
Every now and then, though, the fragile ecosystem of my sleep cycle is disrupted by rehearsals or birthday celebrations or Netflix binges and then all hell breaks loose. I am ordinarily a civil human being, I swear. But if I haven't slept at least six hours on any given night, I am smiling on the outside and on the inside I am smushing your pie hole and using the five seconds of quiet before you scream to take a micro-nap. I've lived enough years that I've figured out my many sleepless personalities, so here they are, in order of severity:
April Ludgate
This is the phase where you're still functional, but you lose all pretense of a social filter. Everything is annoying and you're not afraid who knows it. Also every now and then you make a pointed, condescending side glance at a camera lens that doesn't exist.
Bones McCoy (Reboot Version)
Dammit, Jim (and everyone in the galaxy). The things that you used to have patience for are suddenly the most aggravating, awful, petty, stupid, ridiculous things imaginable, and you have zero tolerance for it. Also you start grumbling. A lot. You're a doctor, not a person who is equipped to run on no sleep.
Oscar The Grouch
This is when you get so little sleep that you are just plain glum and grumpy, minus the sass and sarcasm of April and Bones. If someone so much as walks in your direction, you already resent them. You might not be living in a trash can, but your life just became a metaphorical one.
Zombie from Warm Bodies
It is a miracle that you are moving in a forward motion. Your limbs are so tired that you're wondering if you even need bones anymore, because they're unfairly heavy. You can barely keep your eyes open and literally everything around you has become an acceptable pillow.
Professor Trelawney
When you skip past tired and go straight to crazy, this is who you become. It's almost like you're drunk. Weird, cryptic things just keep falling out of your mouth and whenever someone demands an explanation, all you can do is shrug and/or pour another cup of tea. You've also possibly begun hallucinating, but maybe horses really can walk upside down, you're not sure.
Selena Gomez In The Heart Wants What It Wants
Crying. Literally anything anyone says results in instant hot mess: just add tears! Someone asked you what day it was and you instantly started to bawl. "Wednesday," you wept, even though it maybe wasn't. Whatever. Knowing the day of the week is just one more thing you're spectacularly awful at, like not crying at Hallmark commercials, pictures of puppies, and Peeta's face in the Mockingjay trailer.
Liz Lemon On A Bender
We've all seen some quality Liz Lemon freak outs. They are both her biggest weakness and her crowning glory. This is a woman who flipped a table for mac 'n cheese, a woman who almost let TGS burn to the ground, a woman who likely resisted the urge to lock Jenna and Tracy in a box and ship them to Antarctica for a decade. And this is you, on three hours of sleep. RAGE.
Stepford Wife
Have you ever just had so little sleep that it feels like a body-snatcher came and claimed you? Like, you know you pulled an all-nighter but you're somehow feeling fresh as a daisy. You could run a marathon. You could bake every single item for the fundraiser bakery. You could be PRESIDENT BY THIS TIME TOMORROW. And all the while you have this inexplicable sunny disposition and a look just under the surface of your eyes warning everyone that you're about to snap like a fucking twig.
Ash After He "Dies" In The First Pokémon Movie
Nobody can save you now.
Images: NBC; Giphy (9)
