There was a glorious time in my life when I used to be rewarded with cupcakes just for showing up to work. This might sound like the delusion of someone who has long term brain dysfunction from being drunk on cake, but it's true: every two or three hours, someone would knock on the door to the office and hand me part of a warm cupcake to “taste test” despite that fact that I am such a known cupcake grub that there is no way in hell I’d be able to discriminate “really good” from “really, really good” cupcake. To explain, I used to work as an office assistant in a bakery. My life was pretty much all cupcake all day long, which has given me plenty of time to ponder how we can integrate cupcakes into daily life.
I think it goes without saying that everybody should be rewarded with cupcakes simply for showing up to work in the morning. Even the mere thought of cake upped my productivity 600%. But this is 2014. We need to think bigger. We need to stop thinking of cupcakes as a "trend" and finally accept them as the gift to mankind that they truly are, and let them serve their higher purposes by becoming indispensable during any of the following situations:
Treadmills Dispense Them After Workouts
Can we just cut out the middle man where I physically get up and drive to the bakery after a workout? We all know where I'm going. I'm not ashamed.
Professors Hand Them Out With Test Grades
The lower you score, the bigger the cupcake. Sure, your arch Calculus nemesis will know you bombed your final when you get a cupcake the size of a small aquarium, but she and her miniature cake bite can take a hike.
Cupcake Vendors On The Side Of The Road In Traffic
There has not been a day since 1862 when the I-66 wasn't backed up to the moon at 5 o'clock. (I didn't fact check any of that, but the traffic is REAL.) Why hasn't somebody capitalized on this with mobile snack foods?!
Whenever You Physically Read The Word "Cupcake"
The only reason I'm sorry for writing this article is that there's a 95% chance that you don't have access to cupcakes wherever you are right now. Please forgive me.
Any Time A Celebrity Crush Gets Married/Has A Baby With Someone Who Isn't You
The Gosling-Mendes baby in particular skyrocketed cupcake sales, I am sure. But just imagine how badly you're going to need a baked good when the Gosling-Mendes baby teams up with the Reynolds-Lively baby and takes over the world.
Whenever You're Flagged In Airport Security
Nothing takes the blow off of not-so-subtly being suspected for terrorism than buttercream frosting.
Whenever The Redbox Doesn't Have Your DVD
APOLOGIZE. With cake. Please.
Whenever A Well Intentioned Old Person Pries Into Your Love Life
"Ohhsfgg, schory Grrma, my mouf ish furll of cupcaaake! Also none of yo beeswax."
Whenever You Hear The Words "Oh, That's Not Actually On Sale"
BUT IT WAS IN THE SALE SECTION – whoa, is that red velvet?
Whenever You Shave Your Legs In Winter
It's going to be a long and cold one, folks, and you're gonna need to replace the insulation of your fur SOMEHOW. Might as well be with cake.
Whenever You're Stuck On Public Transport With A Screaming Child
Particularly if you're in charge of said screaming child.
Whenever You Accidentally Watch American Horror Story In The Dark
Eat and forget. Eeeeeeeattt and forgeeeetttt.
Whenever Someone Leaves You Hanging On A High Five
What, no, I was just reaching my hand out...for this cupcake. (Jerk.)
Whenever You Are Reminded Of Your Own Mortality
In 2114, odds are we'll all be dead. Need a cupcake now?!?!
Whenever You Are On A First Date
This is important, partially because cupcakes are great ice breakers, and also because this will weed out the duds. Anyone who doesn't like cupcakes is obviously not worth your time.
Any Time You See An Image Of Zooey Deschanel
I’ve forgiven her for that ridiculously whiny Siri commercial, but I haven’t forgiven her for not spontaneously mass producing cupcakes that appear whenever she does. Something about her bangs and those big eyes just scream CUPCAKES.
Any Time, All The Time
Who am I kidding? Every moment is a cupcake moment.
Images: Stephen Nakatani/Flickr; Giphy(14)
