Britney & 'Oops...!' Chat About The Sales Record

Wednesday, Extra sent DJ Pauly D. to the Britney Day celebration in Las Vegas to ask Britney Spears about her love life, her residency, and how she feels about Taylor Swift’s 1989 nearly breaking the record for first week album sales by a female artist. The record that's belonged to Oops!…I Did It Again for the past 14 years. Get this: Brit Brit told DJ Pauly D. she had no idea her sophomore album has held that record for as long as it has. She was stoked to hear this. Proud, even.

Ugh, I love her.

Wait. Did she really not know that? Or was she being modest? Playing it cool? Or does she legitimately not keep tabs on that stuff?

The following very fictional tale quasi-explores those questions.

***FICTION TIME***

After the Britney Day ceremony, a team of security guards escorted Britney Spears back to her Vegas residence. “Thanks. I got it from here, y’all,” she said as she unlocked the door. “Y’all can go home for the day. It is a holiday, after all!” She cackled. “Oh my god, I have my own holiday. Wait ’til the folks back in Kentwood here about this.” The guards laughed as they said goodbye. Britney has been one of the biggest pop stars for over a decade, but jokes like these continue to slay.

She plopped down in an armchair and kicked off her heels. “My dogs are barkin’,” she said out loud to no one. She sat in silence. She began to decompress.

The silence was broken by a sudden clanging. Britney sat up straight and looked around the living room.

“The hell was that?” Britney muttered. “Oh, shoot. It was probably that damn shower caddy again.” She relaxed. The suction cups on the shower caddy were pretty worn out, so the plastic bin and its contents would crash into the bathtub on a semi-regular basis. It was one of those things Britney meant to replace, but it always got pushed to the back of her mind.

She walked into the bathroom. The caddy was not in the tub, but up on the shower wall.

“That’s weird,” she said. As she turned around to exit the bathroom, she saw what was responsible for the clanging. It was an apparition of the Oops!… I Did It Again album. The album was hovering at eye-level. Britney

“I want to blame this on too much caffeine, but I no amount of coffee could do this,” she said. “So, I’m just going to close the bathroom door and stay in here until whatever you are goes about your merry way.”

“No, wait!” the album cried out as Britney pulled the door shut. “I wanted to talk to you. I mean you no harm.”

Britney pushed the door open a crack. She stared at the floating album through the sliver between the door and its frame.

“What do you mean you want to talk?”

“Well, um… I heard what you told DJ Pauly D.”

“About my love life? Everyone wants to—“

“No, no,” the album interjected. “About me.”

“OHHHH. Yeah. HEY! I owe you a congratulations. Congrats on being a record-holder!”

“I’m not looking for a congratulations. I, um… Do you not like me?”

“What?!?!?!” Britney couldn’t believe the question.

“Well, I, uh… Maybe I’m reading into it, but I took you not knowing I’ve held that record for 14 years as a hint that you don’t care.”

“You’re joking!” Britney felt a pang of guilt. “Oh, my god. That’s not at all what that meant. I just don’t keep up with that sort of thing. Not to brag, but all of the accolades and awards and whatever kinda blend together. I never meant to make you feel unloved.”

“Oh, OK,” the album replied. “It’s just… Holding that record has meant a lot to me these past 14 years. Like, it’s a big part of who I am.”

“You stop right there,” Britney said, throwing the door open. She walked toward the album. “OK. You can’t let this record define you. Because what if another artist snatches it away from you one day? What if Taylor Swift had broken it?”

“I’d be devastated,” the album replied. “I’d feel worthless.”

“That’s why you can’t let it be everything to you. You can be excited about. Hell, you should be excited about it! It’s a big freakin’ deal. It’s a major feat. But you are so much more than that sales record. You’re a terrific pop album! People love you for you! Never forget that.”

“I… You’re right,” the record said. “I AM a great album no matter what. Wow. Thanks, Britney.”

“Are you kidding me? Thank you. For everything. I'd hug you, but...”

"Hey, the sentiment is just as good."

The record vanished. Britney stood in the bathroom doorway and began to process what’d just happened. She’d had a conversation with an apparition of an inanimate object. As much as she wanted to tell her friends, nobody could find out about this. She couldn’t risk this becoming a “thing.”

And then, she heard it again: a loud clanging. She looked around for Oops!… I Did It Again. Instead, she found the shower caddy, shampoo, loofah, and conditioner rolling around on the bottom of the tub.

“Oops…! You did it again,” she sang as she scooped up the toiletries and reattached the caddy to the shower wall. "Next time, I'm getting the Gorilla Glue."

THE END.