Entertainment
A Definitive Ranking of Links from the 'Legend of Zelda,' by Hotness
Nintendo has announced an upgraded version of one of their most classic video games. Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask 3D is kind of a big deal, and my family is flipping out. My brother, to this day, hasn't stopped playing the original game since it debuted years ago. And it's a plus for me too, I guess, since I've always loved the Zelda series, if only for one reason: Link is like, really hot for a video game character.
No joke! Think about him compared to the other kings of video games. Mario's remained pretty consistent in his features throughout all his incarnations, and I live in New Jersey, so if I wanted a short Italian boyfriend I'd just leave my house. Sonic is a hedgehog, so that.
Basically, that leaves Link from the Legend of Zelda as the reigning hottie of the video game world, and thank god there's a lot of different versions of him to go around. In fact, here's a short ranking of significant incarnations of Link throughout the years, ranked (of COURSE) by hotness.
Images: Nintendo (12)
12. Link from 'The Legend of Zelda' Animated Series
It’s not a matter of whether he’s physically unappealing or not, but look. There’s a reason Link doesn’t speak, and the short-lived Legend of Zelda animated series demonstrates why. Basically everything that comes out of his mouth is stupid and obnoxious, making him The Worst, definition of. If you met this Link at a bar he’d pester you all night before you finally give him a fake number and storm out, night ruined. If this Link was on OKCupid he’d message you all nice and then after not responding would follow up with,”well excuuuuuse me, Princess” and then something about how you’re a bitch and he doesn’t date fat chicks. You deserve better than that. We all deserve better than that.
11. Link from 'The Legend of Zelda' Game
He is a teensy 8-bit character and personally there is not much I can do with that.
10. Link from 'The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past'
Still 8-bit (or is it 16-bit?) and he has pink hair. Though Link’s hair color has never been consistent (he’s been very blonde or a light brunette or even kind of reddish), I’m not super about pink hair on men, it feels very emo rock star in 2007.
9. Link from 'The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker'
When Wind Waker was released people were horrified by the simplistic graphics, and while most will relent that it’s a good game in retrospect, I’ve resigned to resenting it. I mean, this is a more tangible structure than 8-bit, but barely, and just such a let down when you look at the 15 second Spaceworld 2000 demo of Link fighting Ganondorf. Like THAT was a hot Link.
Also it’s possible that Link may be a child in Wind Waker, which makes me feel icky.
8. Link from 'The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening'
This was one of the first video games I ever played, so it’s maybe unfairly bumped up to a higher spot. I mean, you get a close-up on Link’s face in the opening and he looks kind of…schlubby, you know what I mean? But he’s a sailor, which is kind of hot. Not so hot in Wind Waker, but I’ve aired my grievances there.
7. Link from 'The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword'
You know what? He’s not entirely unappealing or anything, but there’s a bulkiness that I’m just not really into. I think it’s the pants. It’s definitely the pants.
6. Link from 'Soul Calibur II'
It’s an attractive enough version of Link, and there’s some quality hair shading happening here. The problem is that in the effort to compromise his cartoonish features to fit the more realistic feel of the game, his hotness falls short compared to some of the other characters.
5. Link from 'Mario Kart 8'
This Link isn’t even formally released yet, and it somehow faces the opposite problem as Soul Calibur. In the effort to make Link more cartoonish (and he IS a weird, stumpy version of himself) he somehow comes out way hotter than the characters he’s surrounded by. More to the point: he has a car. When you have a car, you are exponentially more attractive to me.
4. Link in the Fierce Diety Mask from 'The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask'
Majora’s Mask is a bit tricky, because Link is constantly in the guise of someone else. By extension of that, he’s also a Deku, a Goron, a Zora in the game. Also he’s approximately 12-years-old. Yeeeeah.
However, while I don’t feel comfortable ranking the child or the different forms (though the Zora kinda hot if you have a fish fetish) I have to give props to Link’s Fierce Diety form. It’s so different than the Links we’ve seen thus far, so consumed by dark power, which is definitely a plus.
3. Link from 'Super Smash Bros Brawl'
Link shows up in all of the Super Smash Bros. series, and is slated to appear in the next title, but let’s just focus on our most recent version. It’s a cute Link, good hair, nice attention to detail on the tunic, willing to fight the most popular characters in Nintendo history, which is admirable. All around, no complaints.
2. Link from 'The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess '
Actually the same as Super Smash Bros. Brawl, with a significant twist: He can turn into a wolf. Nice.
Plus, I think his hair just looks a little bit better here. Maybe he used a different conditioner between both games? Who knows.
1. Link from 'The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time'
Hey. Look. Listen. I know some of you are staring at those graphics and thinking “Seriously?” but let’s break down the power of Ocarina of Time Link. He had at least four girls after his junk, all of them sages, one of them the princess of Hyrule. He saves all of Hyrule at the ripe old age of 17. He’s a musician. Hell, when he turns into an adult they even do a full-body pan-up that screams “look at this hotness.”
Ocarina of Time is the Titantic of video games, and Link is the undisputed Leonardo DiCaprio. All huge in 1998, maybe doesn’t hold up as well quality wise, but a timeless classic that steals our hearts time and time again. Out of sheer respect he totally wins.
