Fashion
17 Weird Things Not to Buy On Black Friday — Or Ever, For That Matter
I have avoided Black Friday shopping pretty much every year of my life, choosing instead to stay home in my PJs eating Thanksgiving leftovers with my parents. While there are certain things potentially worth braving the madness for, like great deals on electronics, I tend to think that the hassle far outweighs the benefits.
Perhaps the worst thing about Black Friday is not the insane crowds, but the fact that everything is so cheap that it encourages you to buy weird shit you could never possibly need and normally wouldn't even want. Here are 17 of those items. Avoid them on Black Friday — and every other day of the year, honestly.
High-Slit Tee Dress
What the ever-loving Christ is this clothing item supposed to be? It’s like the baggy t-shirt version of Kendall Jenner’s Much Music Video Awards dress with the hip slits. So much no.
High-Slit Tee Dress, $20, forever21.com
Body Vibration Machine
I’m sorry, but what? When will people learn that just standing there jiggling the fat on their body does not actually burn said fat? If you’re after weight loss, perhaps opt for saving your money and going for a run.
Confidence Fitness Slim Full Body Vibration Platform Fitness Machine, $250, amazon.com
Boob Harness
This terrible item is bound to be flattering on no one except for Xena.
Zana Bayne Wendy Harness, $205, nastygal.com
Breakfast for Two Machine
This monstrosity is a four-slice toaster that also boils eggs. It’s ugly and weird and why can’t you just cook your eggs on the stove like everybody else?
Back to Basics TEM4500 4-Slot Egg-And-Muffin Toaster, $95, amazon.com
Wide Leg Velvet Pants
I don’t even think Stevie Nicks would have been caught dead in these in 1973.
Wide Leg Velvet Pants, $69, urbanoutfitters.com
A "Cosmic Stick"
This gem is from Free People’s new Spirituality Shop (EYEROLL) and so there’s no way it will actually be on sale come Black Friday. Either way, you should never pay real human money for a stick wrapped in thread and “enhanced with an exquisite amethyst stone” because, you know, it’s a stick.
Cosmic Stick, $68, freepeople.com
A $9,000 Playhouse
This is actually a great deal because if you buy this playhouse, I will personally show up at your front door and try to slap some sense into you. Oh, you don’t want that? Too bad. Don’t buy the playhouse.
Grand Portico Mansion Playhouse, $8,900, amazon.com
Denim Jumpsuit
I shall not even try to express why this is just so bad. You should be able to see it.
Pleated Denim Jumpsuit, $129, zara.com
Metallica Monopoly
No one wants to play this game, except for maybe your aging Uncle Ned who still drives a motorcycle and only listens to Metallica. On second thought, this would be a fabulous Christmas gift for him.
Metallica Monopoly, $100, amazon.com
Loopy Jumper
I’d love to know what dryer accident is responsible for this.
Handknit Loopy Jumper, $150, topshop.com
Automatic Butter Cutter
Buy this for the dude in your office who donated $1,000 to the Suitsy Kickstarter campaign, but definitely don’t buy this for yourself. Why? Because laziness kills.
One Click Butter Cutter, $15, oneclickbuttercutter.com
Leggings with Knee Mesh Detail
The “knee mesh detail” sort of negates the point of the leggings, if you ask me.
ASOS Leggings With Over the Knee Mesh Detail, $30, asos.com
Unicorn Meat
Unless you can prove that shit is actually unicorn, better save your cash. But even then, WHO WOULD WANT TO EAT A BEAUTIFUL UNICORN?
Thinkgeek Canned Unicorn Meat, $14, amazon.com
Two-Tone Shearling Jacket
Buying this jacket will not instantly transform you into Penny Lane from Almost Famous, so I highly suggest you go for outerwear that’s actually cute instead.
Fetchingly Shaggy Jacket, $269, freepeople.com
Baby Jacuzzi
Your infant does not need a hot tub. In case you haven’t caught on here, luxury items for your 1-year-old are never a good idea, unless you are Kimye. Even then, it’s still not a good idea, but at least you can afford to make those kinds of mistakes.
Summer Infant Lil Luxuries Whirlpool, Bubbling Spa, and Shower Kit, $61, amazon.com
"Unwrap Me" Body Bow
I couldn’t complete this roundup without including the ugliest piece of holiday-themed lingerie ever invented. Happy Black Friday shopping, everyone!
Bluebella “Unwrap Me” Body Bow, $30, asos.com
