Bet You Didn't Realize How Scary These Songs Are

Once on Halloween in college, one of my professors wished the class a "Happy Halloweenie," and I nearly dropped dead from fright on the spot. "Halloweenie." The word sent shivers down my spine. I had never in my entire life heard somebody use it before, and all I wanted to do was run away and hide. Why did my professor say it? What did it mean? Did it actually have something to do with weenies? Was I now cursed?? My head was spinning — but none of the other students seemed to notice. A few days later, I mentioned the terrifying incident to one of my classmates. "Wasn't that, like, sooo scary?" I asked. He looked at me for a moment, puzzled, and then replied, "You know, I hadn't really thought of it that way, but now that you mention it, it WAS kind of creepy!"

Admittedly, I seem to have a knack for finding the terrifying in the seemingly...un-terrifying, but sometimes, my instincts are on point. With tonight being the scariest night of the year, I know that many of us are looking for festive songs to add to our Halloween party playlists. While "The Monster Mash" and "Thriller" are certainly classic choices, they're also kind of expected at this point. Why not think outside the box? Wouldn't you like to impress your guests with a few less traditional but equally spooky selections? After all, if you ask me, there have been a lot of (probably unintentionally) scary songs on the radio lately...

Iggy Azalea — "Black Widow" (feat. Rita Ora)

OK, I cannot be the only person who gets the willies listening to this song. The instrumental is so menacing! Listen to the first 10 seconds. Can't you just picture an evil witch (not the hilarious Bette Midler–kind) gleefully dancing around a cauldron to this track? What kind of hobgoblin anthem? Additionally, the lyrics are about loving someone...TO DEATH! That's pretty scary, y'all.

Florida Georgia Line — "Cruise" (feat. Nelly)

A truly unholy alliance.

Kesha — "Die Young"

I realize that it's supposed to be an inspiring, "carpe diem"-type track, but the repetition of the phrase, "We're gonna die young!" makes me super nervous. When I used to hear the song on the radio in my car, I would loudly shout my alternative lyrics: "We're gonna live forever!" I guess I'm just superstitious like that.

Rihanna — "Where Have You Been"

"Where have you been?/'Cause I never see you out/Are you hiding from me?/Somewhere in the crrrooowwwddd!!!"

Stalker alert!

Enrique Iglesias — "Tonight (I'm F*ckin' You)" (feat. Ludacris)

Is this a real pick-up line? Does it ever work for you, Enrique? I'm dying to know. The thought of a man telling a woman, "Tonight, I'm f*ckin' YOU!" is just so horrifyingly offensive, it makes my skin crawl. Happy Halloweenie, indeed.

Usher — "OMG" (feat. will.i.am)

No one else seems to notice that will.i.am is having a full-on, auto-tuned grand mal seizure in the background of this song. Won't somebody call an ambulance?

Katy Perry — "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)"

This track has a lot of dumb lyrics, but the line "Barbie's on the barbecue" is more than just dumb: it's bone-chilling. OK, so someone at this wild party that Katy Perry threw was actually GRILLING a Barbie doll? That's textbook serial killer behavior right there!

Jason Mraz — "I'm Yours"

Jason: "Scootch on over closer dear, and I will nibble your earrrrrrrrr..."

Me: Nope!!

Shinedown — "Second Chance"

Creed + Nickelback = Shinedown. RUN FOR YOUR DAMN LIVES, PEOPLE! THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!

Eminem — "Not Afraid"

How is a man with the singing voice of a killer duck going to try and tell me to not be afraid? Bye!

Adele — "Rolling in the Deep"

I mean, I like this song, but "rolling in the deep" always makes me think of skeletons rolling around in their graves. I don't know what's wrong with me...I have absolutely nothing to say for myself.

Train — "Hey, Soul Sister"

Now, what on EARTH could I find scary about this charming little ditty? Well, Patrick Monahan, the lead singer of Train, kind of reminds me of the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I mean, he's waaay better looking, of course, but it's just one of things you can't un-see, you know? Basically, Train's entire discography is ruined for me now.

Maroon 5 — "Animals"

JUST. LOOK. AT. THESE. LYRICS. "Baby, I'm preying on you tonight/Hunt you down, eat you alive/Just like animals, animals, like animals-mals..." Also, THE MUSIC VIDEO! Skip back, Adam Levine!

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