8 Insane '50 Shades of Grey' Moments That Are Way Worse Than 'Bad' Casting

Not much, I'll bet. That's because Converse sneakers are probably the least sexy shoes aside from like Crocs and those workout sneakers from Sketchers. But to Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele, removing these babies is hotter than pouring hot wax on Ricky Martin: "...he grasps my foot and undoes my Converse, pulling off my shoe and sock." Shiver me timbers! That'll definitely play as sexy and not at all creepy in a big screen flick. Amirite, ladies?

"But what about the nonsensical sex talk?" you ask. Well, folks, let's get to the character issues first. So, Christian Grey is a fancy-schmancy rich person who buys college girls Audis and flies his own helicopter, but when it comes time for post-coital lunch in his fabulous rich-guy den, he serves up Chicken Caesar Salad? (Also known as the cheese-covered salad Chili's uses to convince you you're eating "healthy.") Where's the foie gras? The endive? The other tough-to-pronounce foods that usually signal opulence and fine living?

Ana's favorite turn of phrase, whenever something surprises her or, more importantly, when she has an orgasm, is "Holy Cow!" Because apparently, she is also Bart Simpson. This phrase is often interchangeable with her second-favorite phrase "Holy crap!" and both of these expressions will be near impossible for any actress to utter (not udder) without furiously laughing until the cows come home.

Not only does the book break the Moist Rule, it breaks it in spectacular, unsexy fashion: "Jeez, I'm a quivering, moist mess and he hasn't even touched me. I squirm in my seat and meet his dark glare." Almost as horrible as "moist" is the use of "squirm" to depict sexual anticipation. Shudder.

Dear lord, I hope this gem of a quote doesn't make it into the movie. After pleasuring Christian, Ana says his littler Mr. Grey is her own "Christian Grey flavor popsicle." Nope. None of that please.

Look, to each his or her own when it comes to foreplay, but if there must be thumb-sucking (and in Fifty Shades, there must) let it at least attempt to remain sexy. Just imagine Charlie Hunnam whispering "Suck me, baby" with his thumb in that poor girl's mouth, right before he tells her about all the oral sex she's going to give him. Absolutely tantalizing, isn't it? Oh wait, I meant infantilizing. And weird. And gross.

When Ana finally warms up to the idea of getting kinky with Christian, she shows it by fellating a stalk of asparagus at dinner. Yes, actually. Not only is asparagus an inherently unsexy food, it also immediately makes most people think of its adverse side effect. (We're talking about pee, okay? It makes your pee smell.) Still think that scene is oh-so sexy?

You know what? Keep the asparagus and "Holy cow!" in this movie. Hell, add more thumb-sucking if you want. Just please, do not include the scene in which Christian removes Ana's tampon so he can have sex with her while she's on her period. I had enough of a violently sick reaction reading that scene and then writing that sentence. No one, and I mean NO ONE, needs to see that on the big screen.