There is one fundamentally unfair dynamic in the Wizarding World: while it's entirely simple for a witch or wizard to decide they're fed up with magic and settle into the Muggle world, it's totally impossible for Muggles to join theirs. I mean, I get it – There isn't any hocus pocus or whatever it is that makes people Hogwarts-worthy in my blood. But that doesn't make me resent my station any less. I am thankful for the life I have, but while I'm blowing the honesty doors wide open, I'll just admit that not a day goes by that I don't wish I weren't a Muggle.
It's partially because the morals of the Wizarding World were the ones that raised me, morals that I stick to even now. The Harry Potter series was like a third parent to my generation, and we will defend it to the very end. I went so far into a dissociative Harry Potter state that when my family moved across the country, I spent my entire seventh grade year writing in a wizard themed journal pretending I was Hermione and that all my boring classes were actually classes at Hogwarts. (My grades were impeccable that year, thank you very much.) And while my adult, slightly more sane self can cope by venturing to Harry Potter World to drink butterbeer and ride the rides and buy a scarf (IIIIIII'M A HUFFLEPUFF!), at the end of the day, it's still only pretend. There are still going to be moments when facing my permanent Muggle condition hurts the very most:
When The Remote Is On The Other Side Of The Room
I guess if I were actually a witch, I wouldn't be watching television. But the remote dilemma applies to so many "ugh, do I really have to get up from this cushy spot?" situations that we face in life at a daily basis. Just one little "Accio!" and that son of a gun is yours and you never have to so much as ruffle your Snuggie.
When You Have To Board An International Flight
Guess who doesn't have to worry about screaming children on long flights? People who have portkeys.
When You "Don't Photograph Well"
When you're a Muggle and someone catches you at a bad angle, you're screwed, and Facebook won't even extend you the mercy of burying it in your newsfeed. Pictures in the Wizarding World, on the other hand, are much more forgiving, and show of all your angles – not just that unfortunate one where you have more chins than a Dursley.
Whenever A Major Sporting Event Is On
Don't get me wrong. As a rabid Seahawks fan, I was pretty excited about last year's Super Bowl. But let's be real: It was no Quidditch World Cup.
When You're The Designated Driver On a Night Out
I never actually heard J.K. Rowling say "don't drink and disapparate," so I imagine in the Wizarding World, all your drunk buddies can get home just fine without you very soberly dropping them one by one at the end of the night. Nobody has to be the designated anything ever again!
The Summer After You Turned Eleven
(Muffled sobs in the distance.)
When You're Forced To Attend Physical Education Classes
Uh, coach, I don't see any broomsticks here. Maybe I just checked the wrong supply closet? This one is just full of balls of all shapes or sizes that would probably do significant damage to my head if one got thrown at me.
When You Host Board Game Night
Don't deny it. Candy Land would be so much more fun if all the characters beat the tar out of each other.
When UPS Loses Your Package
Ugh. Even Pigwidgeon is more reliable than this.
Any Meal You've Ever Eaten In Your Life
I'm not even 100% certain about what a pasty is, but they had a ton of them at Hogwarts and they sounded DELICIOUS. Also the fact that I can't actually eat candy from Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes is something I'm probably never going to come to terms with.
When Six Kids In Your Class Had The Same Name As You
Say what you will about wonky wizarding names, but I can bet you that the Nymphadoras and Lavenders of the world never accidentally yelled "PRESENT!" for the wrong kid at roll call.
Whenever You're Forced To Take Standardized Tests
Ma'am, you should know that even though I tanked the GRE, I got top marks on all my O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s. Or at least I would have. If I had gone to Hogwarts and the world was just.
Any Time You Went On Family Vacations
I have three siblings. If we wanted to go on vacation we'd book a hotel room for a maximum of four guests, and then half the family would go up the elevator while the other half of the family waited three minutes in the lobby and then, like the super sleuths we were, follow them up, pretending we weren't all in the same unit (it didn't help that we do, in true Weasley fashion, have several redheads.) After that it was several nights of sleeping on the floor smelling other people's toes. If we weren't Muggles we could totally expand the size of that room and more than accommodate our enormous family. Hell, throw in a Jacuzzi while you're at it!
Whenever You Bite Your Tongue
Or sprain your wrist, or stub your toe...the list goes on. Why wait for things to heal when you can either magic them away yourself or head down to St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries? All we Muggles have is ibuprofen and plenty to complain about.
When You Have No Career Prospects
As a psychology major who didn't actually pursue psychology, there were more than a few times staring into the jobless void of my post-graduate life that I thought to myself, "Damn, I would have made a kickass Auror." And just in case there was any doubt, I took several online quizzes to confirm it.
When You Don't Even Know Where To Begin With Aforementioned Prospects
People are always asking you, "What do you want out of life?" And I don't know. But you know who does? The Mirror of Erised. Seriously, I just want to stand in front of that sucker for two seconds and see who I would be at my utmost maximum happiness. Fingers crossed there is a tiara involved.
Whenever Someone Calls You A Muggle
Rub it in my face, why don't you?
Images: Warner Bros., Giphy (17)
