I've never understood the term "stunned speechless". Let me get this straight – something crazy happened and it wasn't your first instinct to talk about it until you were blue in the face? Preposterous. In fact, I can't even recall a time in my entire life when I was quiet for more than two seconds. My mom likes to remind me that I was pretty much a nightmare baby and screamed my way through my entire first years of life, and the instant I learned how to use words, I never stopped. When I'm not talking, I'm writing, and when I'm not writing, I'm singing, which is basically talking but fancier.
Thankfully, as over-talkers grow up most of us get a little bit better at picking up on social cues, like not talking to someone while they're watching the last thirty seconds of Scandal or while they're trying to pee. Otherwise all of our friends and family would go from tolerating us to actively trying not to suffocate us with a pillow. But that doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of other challenges that Chatty Cathys don't have to power through every day, such as:
You're Constantly Losing Your Voice
What, did people think that the gift of gab made you somehow invincible to vocal wear and tear? Like all ordinary mortals your throat can only endure so much. And it's not like you can ever give yourself recovery time. You have things to say!
You Cannot STAND Awkward Silences
In fact, what is an awkward silence? You've never had one because you filled it up just as fast as you possibly could.
You're Terrible At Briefly Summarizing Things
This happened a lot in my schooling days. The professor would ask us to give a ten second update on our project, or write a half-page summary of an experiment, and I would be spouting out as many words as those ten seconds could handle and changing all the font sizes to 11.5.
Sports Are The WORST
Especially endurance sports like swimming. That's two solid hours with my face dunked under water that I am physically unable to speak. It's so lonely down there. Everything you thought you knew from The Little Mermaid was a bold-faced lie.
You Can't Be Friends With Other People Who Talk Too Much
It's not that you guys don't get along. It's just that if you're together for too long, the plates under the earth will start moving and set off mega-volcanoes just to spare the rest of the world from hearing you yak over each other all day.
Your Friends Are Always Saying "I've Already Heard This Story"
Whoops. But ohmigosh, did I tell you about the time the ticket machine at the – oh, you've heard that one, too? OK, but what about when these two guys at Barnes and Noble – HOW CAN YOU ALREADY HAVE HEARD THAT ONE, IT HAPPENED TWO HOURS AGO?
You're Constantly Late For Everything
Time seems to move at ridiculously fast speeds when you're talking. It's not my fault I was late to class from talking in the hallways all through high school and college. Blame the time-space continuum.
Nobody Ever Wants To Hear About Your Dreams
My family actually implemented a 30 second rule on anyone who wants to share what happened in a dream of theirs the night before, a rule that we probably would never have needed, except that I exist.
You're ALWAYS Oversharing
Most people toe the line of social acceptability, but if I'm being honest, I'm so far over the line that I can't even see it anymore. Someone once asked me what my darkest secret was and I realized that I don't have any. And not because I haven't done stupid things in my life, but because literally five seconds after I do anything, I broadcast it to anyone who will listen.
You Have SO MUCH To Say During Movies
Did you know that actress used to DATE that other actor from the scene before? Also, WHOA, that's a wig if I ever saw one. Ugh, it's so clear that the sister is the murderer. WOWOWOWOW SHE LOOKS SO GOOD IN MAROON!
You Have To Be Super Careful On Social Media
Another hazard of talking too much is that you want to update your Facebook status every hour and your Twitter every minute. Social media becomes a receptacle for all the things you didn't manage to cram into earlier conversations with people. Must...share...thoughts...at all...times.
You Can Never Play "Hard To Get"
Subtlety is simply not in your nature.
Keeping Secrets Is 806 Times Harder Than It Should Be
I'm not saying that over-talkers can't keep their friends' secrets, because we CAN. It's just that it compromises every fiber of our being and slowly kills us inside.
You Most Likely Abuse Caps Lock
There isn't, like, a scientific correlation between over-talkers and the excessive holding down of the shift key, but when science discovers one, I WILL NOT BE SURPRISED.
People Assume You Are Really Confident
I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me: everyone assumes that big talkers are natural public speakers, so people like me always get handed microphones, where we then proceed to make complete and total asses of ourselves. Just because I have a lot of things to say doesn't mean that they are coherent and/or ready for public consumption!
You Are Not Above Talking To Yourself
Or the toaster. Or the wall. Sometimes if there's nobody around to listen, an inanimate object is all you have left.
Images: Getty Images; Giphy(12)
