Meet the 'Are You the One?' Season 2 Cast & Let Us Decipher the Truth Behind their MTV Bios

How much do you want to bet Layton describes himself as a “nice guy?” His smile says he could be, but his aggressive approach to finding some “wife material“ — “if he’s going to spend the rest of his life with someone, they’d better be perfect” — says “Hey, I’m going to binge drink, but you just sit there and behave like a ‘lady,’ OK?”

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Look at that sassy pose! Ellie is the small town girl with a big personality ready to let loose that you know from such popular reality programming as The Real World, The Real World: Ex-plosion, Road Rules, and Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

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Oh John, you Type A overachiever, will you ever find love? Or will you hit age 23 a Clooney-like perma-bachelor (I really need to update my references). According to the MTV website’s interpretation of John, this total catch law student just can’t settle down “because he comes on too strong and then fades out just as fast, leaving a trail of broken hearts in his wake.” According to me, that is a bunch of crap and he’s hiding something.

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Ashley wants to be a cheer coach; think back to middle school… think back to high school… try to think of any cheer coach you’ve ever known who wasn’t terrifying. Ashley has that look in her eye that says, “I am nice until you say something rude about my purity ring, and then I will pounce.”

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MTV’s description of Tyler is an absolute minefield: ”A former nerd who only recently blossomed, Pratt has wasted no time putting his newfound confidence to work, drawing in women left and right. But no matter what positive qualities a girl brings to the table, Pratt always manages to find a fatal flaw.”

So, by “former nerd,” you mean “formerly not conventionally unattractive,” and by “recently blossomed,” you mean “recently became conventionally attractive,” and by “newfound confidence,” you mean, “consistently arrogant,” and by “drawing in women left and right,” you mean you’re lying. This guy sounds like a real catch!

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Oh, Shelby. You’re so young and with ”two strong female role models” in your life what are you doing on Are You the One? I will go ahead and tell you right now: he is not the one.

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Brandon works in cancer research, but his truest passion is making prank videos and his life dream is to play professional poker. I think this is what A.O. Scott was talking about when he discussed “The Death of Adulthood in American Culture” in the New York Times.

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Jenni describes herself as “‘a shot of whiskey in a porcelain teacup’ because she looks classy on the outside, but knows how to get down and dirty,” which I believe she directly plagiarized from Ludacris. Either way, every bro will love her because that has to be the only goal of that description.

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OK, it could just be his handsome face fooling me, but I like that Garland knows his problem with finding love (ugh) lies in him and not the women he used to chase: he’s trying to reform his old “dog” ways and ”reinvent himself as relationship material.” The world wants to know: Will Garland open his heart? WILL GARLAND OPEN HIS HEART?!

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Tyler is the type of person who on any other show would say, “I didn’t come here to make friends,” no less than 30 times in the first episode. Anyone who says their defining trait is being “overly honest,” is lying about what their defining trait is. But if the point of this show is to find The One, can Tyler let down her walls? CAN TYLER LET DOWN HER WALLS?!

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“Like any guy [Nathan] always goes after the ‘hottest girl’ in the room and usually succeeds.” Nathan, I’ll reserve judgment on you; MTV, get your head out of your ass.

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I like Paris. I like her playful pose, I like that she’s the daughter of an NFL player and model (the American dream), and I like that she admits she’s good at dating, but that doesn’t make her good at relationships. I’m sure being mathematically matched with some bro on MTV will help.

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Anthony’s main attribute in his bio is that he has another year left in college — what’s the deal, MTV? No one is trying to find Their One and then realize they have to move to “suburban Illinois” to be with them.

Also, I think that’s Dunbar from The Challenge.

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MTV describes Jasmine as both gorgeous and sexy. She also raps. Jasmine will run this town.

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Curtis don’t need to look into no stinkin’ camera lens! Curtis is an artist! Curtis is emotional! Curtis ”wants a woman who can see past his looks and charm and appreciate him for what’s inside!” OK, Curtis, good luck to you.

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Jessica, as described by MTV: “a double whammy of lively Latin roots and an East Coast temper,” “ tough exterior,” “‘daddy issues.’” Damn Jessica, who did you hurt on the Are You the One? editorial staff?

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Dario is an aspiring professional baseball player who is worried about getting out of his twin brother’s shadow on this show, where his twin brother will not be, and he’s been mathematically matched with His One. You can do this, Dario.

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Briana undoubtedly keeps an Excel spreadsheet saved on her desktop where she notes how many steps she’s achieved on her 2-year plan to getting married. She wants to get pregnant on her honeymoon.

I’d bet a large sum of money that Briana is bringing handcuffs to Are You the One?, and not the fun kind.

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“Trading beekeeping for standup comedy, Alex made the jump from Georgia to Los Angeles and never looked back.” How do I get on this show? Alex is my soul mate, and I don’t care if ours is one of the relationships” he sometimes doesn’t even realize…he’s in.” For goodness sake, he has his arm monogrammed!

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Apparently, “Alexandria excels at luring men in with her feminine wiles,” but becomes jealous and controlling once she’s “landed” her “hapless prey.”

Seriously MTV, head…ass…extract. She’s not a Spider-Man villain.

Image: MTV