The Camcorder Was 'Chaotic's Secret Star

In the first episode of 2005’s Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, pop icon Britney Spears explains that boredom and loneliness inspired her to break out a camcorder during the European leg of her tour. With the camcorder in hand, she spends her downtime grilling the backup dancers, the makeup team, the hair stylists, the bodyguards, and BFF/assistant Felicia Culotta about sex, marriage, sex, love, and sex. When she isn't peppering the tour crew with personal questions, she's having heart-to-hearts with the camera. She and the camcorder are inseparable. BRITNEY + CAMCORDER 4EVAAAAA!

That is until he shows up. He changes everything.

Near the end of the first ep, Kevin Federline joins Britney on tour. The camcorder can't stop Britney’s loneliness from killing her, so she decides to invite the dancer she’d met in Los Angeles just two weeks ago to galavant around Europe with her. This directly impacts the the relationship that’d been blossoming between Britney and the camcorder. What was once a duo is now a trio. It’s Britney and Kevin: Camerotic.

Er, strike that. That sounds like a porn parody. How abouuuuut… Britney and Kevin and Camcorder: Chaotic. Eh, it’s clunky but it’ll have to do.

The Britney/Kevin/camcorder story, aka Britney and Kevin and Camcorder: Chaotic

EPISODE 1

Britney and the camcorder pal around on tour. The camcorder and Britney are attached at the hip: They traipse around the luxe London hotel room together, they drive around together, they talk to JC Chasez together, and they get Britney’s weave removed together.

And then, Kevin shows up. Britney points the camera at Kevin and hits him with questions about—you guessed it—sex, marriage, sex, love, and sex.

“I’m camera shy,” Kevin says.

“That’s why we like him,” Britney responds. We. Britney and the camcorder are a “we.” The camcorder does not object to this.

Before long, Kevin warms up to the camcorder and Britney. He answers Britney’s questions. The camcorder records his answers. They are a happy trio.

EPISODE 2

In the back of a cab, Britney and Kevin make out. They hold the camcorder up to their faces while they get their mack on. TRIPLE KISS!

As Britney applies an entire bottle of mascara, Kevin points the camcorder at her and asks about their relationship. Just as she begins to open up emotionally, Britney brings the conversation back to sex.

Is Britney nervous to talk to Kevin about their relationship because the camera is there? Or is Britney nervous to talk to the camera about her relationship with Kevin because Kevin is there?

Kevin in confessional: “I think we both hid behind the camera a little bit to get to know each other a little bit more.”Britney in confessional: “I’m really not good with just really being intimate one-on-one, and I think it helped me to have a camera there, instead of it just being me and him.”Kevin in confessional: “It’s weird, I’m asking you all of these questions behind the camera, but I’m getting a feel for who you are … She would start to tell me how she feels, she’d get close, and then she’d get scared.”

The camcorder's functioning depends on Britney and Kevin hitting the RECORD button. Britney and Kevin rely on the camcorder to facilitate their real-talk (i.e., the foundation of their relationship).

They need the camcorder and the camcorder needs them.

EPISODE 3

Britney to Kevin and the camcorder: “I love you. I don’t know why I just said that word.” [Neither Kevin nor the camcorder respond.]Britney to Kevin and the camcorder: “I thought that’s the way I felt, but I really don’t feel that way. Maybe in the future I could possibly feel that way, but right now I don’t. I need to get some chips. I lied. I was caught in the moment.”

Later, Britney confronts Kevin and the camcorder about leaving her hanging when she said she said “I love you."

“You’re making me look stupid,” she says.“No I’m not,” Kevin says into the camcorder. “No I’m not. I was scared. What would you all do?”

The camcorder does not tell Kevin what it would do.

EPISODE 4

“If I had the camera in my hands, I’d be having some serious footage on my hands right now," Kevin says to Britney as they hang out in the tour bus. "See you layin’ there like ass naked behind the lens. It’s kinda hot. It’s kinda sexy.”“You’re cute,” Britney replies.The camcorder does not chime in, for the camcorder feels like a third wheel for the first time.

Wearing its night vision goggles, the camcorder documents Britney, Kevin, and the rest of the tour crew’s flight back to the US. Though we viewers cannot hear what Britney and Kevin say to one another on the flight, Kevin and Britney tell us in a confessional that they proposed to one another.

No one proposed to the camcorder.

EPISODE 5

Britney’s camcorder has been thrown to the wayside. It does not join them at the altar in the wedding planner's living room when Britney and Kevin say "I do."

The trio is back to a duo. But it is not the original duo. It is a new duo. The camcorder’s whirlwind romance with Kevin and Britney is over.

THE END.

Images: britneyspearsgifs/tumblr (3)