Feeling anxious about everything is the worst. It’s like you have a super ability to detect all the bad things that probably won’t even happen (dumbest super power, ever). You could hear a small noise, notice someone’s facial expression change momentarily, and subsequently internalize that detail and all of its imaginary, awful implications for hours. You have the innate gift of over-thinking and overanalyzing a single word, sentence, or adjective — which is why you proofread your emails like 10 times before sending them (and why it’s incredibly painful to catch a typo hours later as you go through your sent inbox). You are painfully aware of how fragile the human body is, and are surprised more people aren’t as scared of dying as you are. The struggle is seriously real.
Essentially, you tend to gravitate toward worst-case scenario. It’s just kinda how you were born to roll. You assume the worst in machinery, technology, humans, and planet earth, because shit is intrinsically dangerous and untrustworthy. When people ask you why you’re worrying, you want to say, “Because, JOANNA, why shouldn’t I worry when a million things can go wrong?” But you don’t, because non-nervous, chill people don’t get you. But I do. Here’s a bunch of nerve-racking scenarios that completely wreck us nervous people:
1. Airplanes
We know physics is a thing that explains most of life’s mysteries, but we are still bamboozled by a huge hunk of metal gliding in the sky. Before every flight, we Google “airplane crashes” because we are masochists.
2. Scantrons
The thought of accidentally skipping a question or bubble and thereby getting every single question wrong is one of your worst nightmares.
3. Not having hand sanitizer on you
Everything is just crawling in microscopic, life-ruining germs. Can we just wear Hazmat suits? Breaking Bad made it kind of trendy, anyway.
4. The rickety rides at the state fair
If you think we’re going to take a ride on the death roller coaster put together by gum and rusty nails, then you must be cray.
5. When your parents call you at 11 p.m.
Oh god. Oh god. Someone must be dead.
6. When your body is being slightly weird
A weird rash, a toothache that isn’t going away, or spotting in between periods is obviously a clear sign we are dying or have cancer. Instead of staying calm, we consult WebMD, which ends up being the worst mistake of our lives.
7. Really loud music at a restaurant
What if the person we are with may not hear us properly? What if they misconstrue what we say? What if we misconstrue what they say? What if the server doesn't hear me and brings me the wrong entree? Just turn down the Lady Gaga. I beg of you.
8. The Cheesecake Factory menu
It’s like 10 pages long! Who needs that kind of pressure?
9. Choosing sizes when you’re online shopping for clothes
OK, so you’re a small at Gap, but a medium at Urban Outfitters, but an extra small at Anthropologie. *Buys three of each size*
10. Wishing you could take a Xanax when you’re in traffic
Cars are doing wacky things, the radio has chosen to play the worst music, and you suddenly feel extremely claustrophobic.
11. Or when you’re having dinner with your family and everyone is asking you about your life
“So, any word about a raise?”
“You’re making how much with a master’s degree?”
"How's that novel coming along?"
“When are you two planning on getting married? You know, grandma isn't going to live for much longer.”
“You know, I’ve already bought clothes for my future grandchild. What? Baby Gap was having a sale.”
12. Or when you’re at the mall on a Saturday
And everyone is walking slowly and looking at the same shirts and you just… you just can’t with all these humans.
13. When you send a text and don’t hear back within eight minutes
They obviously think you’re the most obnoxious human in the world. Great. Life = over.
14. Filling out your FAFSA
So, technically you have like $2000 in your savings, but this could very well change in a matter of weeks, so can you just put five-hundred dollars? What do they mean by assets? Does your car really count? It’s a 1997 Corolla so I would say it’s more like a piece of sheet metal with wheels rather than a “car.”
15. Doing taxes
You wrote off your gym membership so you’re probably going to jail now.
16. Getting your hair cut
Things could go so, so wrong. This is your hair we’re talking about. Your livelihood. Your everything.
17. Not being totally sure if you locked the door at night
You’re pretty sure you did… Unless you didn’t. And if you didn’t, a psychopath could totally shimmy into your house, stab you five times, and then steal your identity. And your cat.
18. When a cop is in the same lane as you
He’s probably scrutinizing your every move like a hound dog. You emphasize the fact that you are an outstanding citizen and driver by using your blinkers and signaling with your hand when you want to move over a lane, and you go five under the speed limit for good measure.
19. Unknown callers
Probably stalkers who want to kill you.
20. Health studies
Great, eggs are bad for you again. What’s next? Kale? And let’s not talk about BPAs, since apparently you’ve been absorbing poison your entire life.
21. When people tell you to “chill"
You want to punch them in the face, but violence gives you anxiety.
Images: Universal Pictures; Giphy(7)
